It may be surprising to learn that 45% of marriages end in divorce in the United States. That’s an unfortunate statistic, considering how many people are hopeful on their wedding day.
Many things explain why couples divorce. The fact remains that problems in a marriage don’t happen overnight. The more you learn and understand the leading causes of divorce, the more likely you can work through issues as they come up.
Below are the top 15 main reasons for divorce. We’ve also included tips to help you overcome challenges in your marriage.
- Conflict/Arguments
The number one reason for divorce is conflict. It’s normal for couples to argue now and then. It’s considered healthy for a relationship to have competition as long as it is productive, ends quickly, and both people feel heard and validated.
The problem comes when the arguments are excessive or repetitive. When a couple constantly argues over small things or cannot resolve their issues, it becomes a warning sign that the marriage is on the rocks.
Likewise, if the couple fails to make each other feel heard, it becomes clear that they do not know how to have productive conflict.
When the couple fights about the same issues over and over, it’s probably because one or both people in the marriage are not putting in the emotional effort needed. It’s essential to change the actions or behaviors that are causing the argument in the first place.
It all boils down to a lack of healthy communication, the leading cause of divorce in married couples. If both people aren’t willing to take ownership of their actions, communicate their needs clearly, and accept their partner’s wants and need with an open mind, the marriage will be unhappy and unlikely to last.
- Infidelity
One of the biggest reasons for divorce is infidelity. Pop culture may have us believe that infidelity occurs because one person feels unhappy and decides to seek fulfillment outside the relationship. However, the truth is that cheating is much more complicated than that.
There is no one reason why people cheat on their partners. Several reasons cause people to wander away from their marriage.
Cheating can happen because one person doesn’t care that it causes another pain. People who cheat on their spouses may do so because they resent them. It could even be because they have low self-esteem. People may even cheat because they want to get back at their spouses. Some people cheat on their spouses because they lack self-respect.
None of these are good reasons for cheating, which can devastate the relationship. It can be a massive blow to the ego to be cheated on by your spouse. It takes a lot of effort to restore trust and save the marriage after infidelity. Because it’s incredibly hurtful and trust-breaking, an affair can damage a marriage. It leads to 20-40% of all divorces.
- Lack of Intimacy
Unfortunately, failing to keep things interesting in the bedroom is another common cause of divorce. Many married couples fall into the trap of getting so used to each other that they aren’t as intimate anymore. There may also be lapses in communication about desire. Sometimes, one person may not be as open to trying new things.
Intimacy is an essential and fulfilling aspect of marriage. Usually, when there are issues in the marriage, intimacy is the first thing to disappear from the relationship. There may be other issues in the union that need to be addressed before a couple considers thinking about the other person intimately. When the intimacy is dead, it can quickly break down the marriage itself.
- Financial Issues
Marriage is not only a symbol of two people’s undying Love for one another. It is also two people coming together and combining their finances. Student debt, credit card debt, mortgages, rent, bills, and health insurance–can pile up and make for a mountain of stress. It can be especially difficult for married couples to navigate how to manage finances and still have some money left to have fun.
It’s important to note that this isn’t just an issue that plagues younger married couples. The elderly divorce for financial reasons all the time.
Having different spending habits may cause tension in a marriage. Different income levels can also create stress. Married couples who are heavily in debt or hide their spending habits are especially likely to be in hot water. When it comes to financial issues, it’s easy for married couples to find themselves divorced because they can’t work together to manage their money to avoid this top reason for divorce.
- Substance Abuse Issues
Another leading cause of divorce is substance abuse and addiction. Substance abuse is a severe illness that affects people deeply. When one person in a marriage suffers from substance abuse issues, it can be heart-wrenching, scary, and traumatic for their spouse to watch them go through it.
A leading cause of divorce is substance abuse issues because it is difficult for the substance user to be fully present in the marriage due to their active addiction. At the same time, the spouse of the substance user may feel overwhelmed, trapped, and unable to help the situation.
The presence of substance abuse in a marriage means that money is being spent on drugs or alcohol. This can cause financial tension. Having healthy communication with a spouse who uses substances may be difficult. They may also become irritated, mean, angry, aloof, or dismissive when under the influence, making communication impossible. The roller-coaster of addiction is too much for many married couples to handle, and unless the substance user gets sober, the marriage often ends in divorce.
- Communication Breakdown
A communication breakdown happens quickly. For example, some married couples choose to have kids and find that they have far less time to talk. The marriage suffers because they aren’t taking the time to have open and honest conversations about their relationship regularly. This can also happen when a couple is too busy or overwhelmed with work and doesn’t make time to talk to each other more intimately.
Communication itself is an ongoing practice. When one or both people in a marriage aren’t practicing healthy communication, it breaks down and can lead to a couple’s separation.
- Domestic Violence
Domestic violence includes physical, emotional, and sexual abuse within a circle of domesticity. For couples specifically, this is also known as intimate partner violence and occurs. People of all genders can be victims of intimate partner violence and experience violence differently.
For example, emotional abuse may be present in the relationship, while physical abuse is not. Regardless of what degree of violence a victim experiences, domestic violence is incredibly traumatic and has long-term adverse effects on mental and physical health.
Sexual abuse includes forcing non-consensual sexual acts upon a victim. Physical abuse includes (but is not limited to) inflicting bodily harm on a victim with or without weapons and includes physical intimidation, blocking doorways/exits, using restraint, etc. Emotional abuse contains insults, verbal threats, manipulation, and other tactics to make the victim feel ashamed, afraid, unworthy, inferior, and threatened.
Women who successfully leave the marriage account for 25-40% of divorces initiated by women. If you are the victim of intimate partner violence and need help, call the 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233. Domestic abuse in any form is one of the most valid repack of Romantic Love
Romantic Love is separate from intimacy but equally important in a marriage. Romantic Love is feeling Love for and attraction to a significant other. People engaging in gestures of romantic Love want to go out on dates with their partner, be intimate with their partner, and generally express Love to their partner.
A lack of romantic Love in a marriage can make the couple feel like they’re close friends or roommates. Married couples are especially at risk of losing the romantic connection if they don’t make time for the other person and put effort into ‘romancing’ them, flirting, or developing and maintaining that special connection. Many people feel there’s no getting it back once the romance is gone. However, this isn’t always true, but it’s still a common cause of divorce.
- Marrying at a Young Age
Most people can’t make good decisions at a young age. After all, the frontal lobe doesn’t fully develop until around age 25. Marrying at a young age is a common cause for divorce because marriage is a big decision that takes maturity.
When a couple marries before they’re mature enough to take on the challenge, it causes problems. It’s also possible for two people in a marriage to grow in separate directions and become different people. They may develop different values and ideas about responsibility and find they are no longer compatible.
Couples who marry young may have a healthy marriage but still struggle with the idea that they are somehow “missing out” on their youth. This train of thought can undoubtedly influence the collapse of a marriage.
- Incompatibility
Growing in different directions can happen to anybody. A marriage suffers when the couple finds that they don’t have enough in common. Incompatibility comes in many forms, whether having different interests and hobbies or views on politics and religion.
Maybe one person likes to always go out on the town on Saturday nights while the other wants to stay in and read a good book. There’s nothing wrong with doing either, but it means that the couple is probably incompatible. If the couple cannot see eye to eye on the values that define who they are, the marriage will likely be in trouble.
- Family Dynamics
Even if a marriage is excellent, sometimes family dynamics threaten to put the nail in the divorce coffin. People control who they choose to marry, but they don’t always control who else will be present in their lives because of the marriage.
When it comes to in-laws, step-kids, ex-spouses, and even biological families, it’s difficult to determine how those dynamics will impact your relationship t. It’s essential to identify those issues as early as possible and learn how to communicate.
It’s too common for marriage trouble to arise because of outside forces. People should prepare for this as much as possible and manage those relationships in healthy ways with appropriate boundaries.
- Boredom
Boredom is another common cause of divorce. Married couples often find themselves stuck in a routine. They become too comfortable. One or both people in a marriage may no longer feel they need to improve themselves or care for their partner.
For a relationship to remain strong, it’s essential that the two people in a marriage continuously work toward being well-rounded. This looks different for everyone, but it’s generally when someone tries to better themselves by learning a new hobby, gaining more knowledge, or improving themselves emotionally.
Some people decide that they no longer need to worry about self-improvement once they’ve got married, or maybe they never cared about being a well-rounded person in the first place.
A marriage will be boring if one or both spouses are low-effort and lack self-improvement. People tend to opt out if there’s nothing to look forward to and no emotional or mental stimulation in a marriage.
12. Unrealistic Expectations
Setting unrealistic expectations in a marriage is a quick way to cause the relationship to end. Wanting the other person to change who they are and their values is a common cause of divorce. People grow and change over time. It’s unfair to expect a person to be someone they are not.
It’s incredibly unhealthy in marriages where a person expects their spouse to be the reason for their joy and happiness. It puts enormous pressure on the spouse to be ‘perfect.’ Unrealistic expectations can also make a person feel that who they are just isn’t good enough for their spouse, leading to low self-esteem and even resentment.
13. Lack of Equality
Sometimes marriage troubles are just teammate troubles. This is especially true if issues center on how chores are divided. Does your husband push the trash farther down inside the can instead of taking it out when he notices it’s complete? He’s a bad teammate. Does your wife bring the car home with an empty tank? Bad teammate.
Married couples are supposed to act as a team, but when one person is left doing all or most of the chores, they will feel unappreciated and overworked. Likewise, when one person in the marriage is making all of the decisions, they’re not being very considerate of the needs and wants of their spouse. Decisions that concern both people should always be discussed, and the decision should be made together. Otherwise, the marriage is not equal.
This is one of the main reasons for divorce that can be avoided. Both people should work together to ensure that they pull equal weight in the marriage.
Tips for Avoiding Divorce
Fortunately, there are some things you can do to help yourself prevent divorce. Follow these simple tips to get on a path of preserving your marriage.
Couples Counseling
Couples counseling can be an excellent way to work through marital issues. In most situations, a couple’s counselor can see both sides of the case objectively and counsel both people individually on how to make positive change. Couples counseling will also teach communication skills and allow both people to be heard.
Establish Better Communication
Therapy is an excellent resource for working through marriage issues. Create better communication habits with your partner by learning healthy ways to disagree and express your needs. Practice using “I statements,” active listening, and communicating your needs are helpful.
Establish Boundaries
Setting boundaries is a great way to better your marriage. Both spouses work together to decide their limits and how they will respect each others’ boundaries.
Compromise
A healthy marriage doesn’t come without compromise. Consider your partner’s wants, needs, and boundaries and how that requires you to make changes. Encourage your partner to do the same. Remember that you are working together as a team.
Exercises to Create a Better Marriage
Here are some exercises, fun activities, and proven ways to better your marriage!
- Take turns taking each other out on a date. Where do you want to go? Where does your spouse want to go? Treat each other!
- Spice things up by discussing intimate stuff you want to try with your partner.
- Establish at least one night weekly to turn your phones off and enjoy each other’s company.
- Research articles on healthy communication. Print them out and read them to each other. How can you practice better communication with each other? Discuss.
- Make a list of your values, both for yourself and the relationship. Compare your values and choose which values you can agree on.
- Discuss which values are not being honored. How can you fix that? Use “I statements” and avoid blaming each other.
- Learn each other’s love languages. Put effort into loving your partner based on their love language.
- Learn about healing your inner child. Discuss healing your inner child. Become aware of when you are coming from a wounded place.
- Go to separate rooms and write down how you feel during arguments. Take time to cool down and listen to each other.
Final Thoughts
Marriage is hard work. Both people must communicate, compromise, and respect each other. Issues indeed come up throughout your marriage. However, success comes down to your ability to work together to overcome those obstacles and move forward!
