Marriage can be challenging, especially when you have a husband yelling at you regularly. In those situations, there are things you can do that can help stop your husband from yelling at you but first, it is important to understand why some men yell at their wives.
When your husband yells at you, it can feel degrading, embarrassing, and the farthest thing from healthy communication in your marriage. It can leave you asking yourself, why does my husband yell at me all the time, and what can I do to make it stop?
When a partner continually yells, it may make you wonder if you are doing something to deserve such a reaction. However, it’s important to realize that you can only control your actions in an argument, and nobody deserves to be yelled at.
Knowing the Difference between Normal Arguing and Verbal Abuse
When husbands yell at their wives, they ask if it is just normal arguing, or is his yelling verbal abuse?
Conflict is a normal part of marriage, and we all have heated arguments where we may say things out of anger. However, you should consider how often it occurs. Is it a weekly occurrence or something that has happened so rare you cannot remember the last time?
When you live with someone, you can become frustrated with them and allow negative emotions to build up until you feel like you are going to explode, which can cause us to snap at our partners.
It is normal to become upset and perhaps raise your voice on a rare occasion, but if there is regular, constant yelling and name-calling, this is not just the typical arguing that all couples experience.
In a marriage, arguing is how we share our disagreements or opinions, but we are still effectively communicating as we argue. You and your partner are given an equal chance to express yourself in a constructive argument.
Your partner may even use an elevated tone of voice in more heated arguments, but they have made their point that they will allow you the same courtesy.
Arguing is not one-sided, nor should it involve name-calling or yelling. When you argue with your partner, you should feel safe and validated.
The key takeaway from healthy arguing or unhealthy yelling:
- Arguing is a healthy disagreement and is always two-sided
- Yelling is when it is one-sided with no constructive points being made
- In a healthy argument, you should still feel safe
- Yelling leaves you feeling unsafe and belittled
- In an argument, your spouse will not tear you down for disagreeing
If you are unsure if your partner is passing the threshold between normal arguing and constant yelling, ask yourself a few questions.
Is his yelling the norm, or is it a rare occurrence?
Do you feel belittled and scared when he yells?
Are you able to speak your mind on the matter, or are your concerns ignored or unheard because he yells over you?
Is it Normal for Husbands to Yell at their Wives?
Is it normal for your husband to yell at their wives? The short answer is no; being yelled at all the time is verbally abusive. But that does not mean that you do not have a healthy relationship just because your husband has yelled at you or will yell at you.
Think of it this way, in a 20-year marriage, do you think there may be a few instances where one of you may have lost your cool and yelled? When yelling is rare, and the perpetrator apologizes and assesses what made them lose their temper, that is not unhealthy. It may be more of a learning experience for you to reflect on as a couple. We are not addressing these rare occurrences but rather husbands and partners who yell regularly and do not learn from these mistakes but possibly blame their outbursts on you.
Many of us use our spouse or partner as the person we vent to at the end of a bad day, but this does not mean we should verbally abuse our partner.
If your husband has had a bad day at work and has a sharp tone when you ask how his day was, that is ok; maybe he does not want to rehash it and just wants to relax. But coming home and screaming at you because the house is not clean or dinner was not ready is not ok, no matter how bad his day was.
Whether your husband yells at you in private or public, it can be scary and demeaning. In private, you may feel scared and degraded. But in public, being yelled at in front of family or friends can leave you feeling shame and embarrassment. You may make excuses to later justify their actions, they had a bad day, or you said something you should not have.
We will address why husbands yell and react this way so you can understand how to react when he starts yelling.
Why is your husband yelling?
Why do some husbands yell at their wives? What drives them to react this way? When we better understand why people react in a specific way, we can work on our reactions to the situation. Here are some of the reasons men yell at their spouses and why they resort to yelling.
A feeling of frustration/not being heard
Is your husband or partner the type to say he feels unheard at work and possibly at home? Has the yelling been a new development or always been a part of your relationship? This is where you need to ask and answer questions honestly.
If your husband has never been one to yell but has started recently, approach him and ask him why he feels he is not heard at home. Maybe his issue is outside the home, and he is taking it out on you. He may be frustrated with his boss and feels he is not hard at work. If the yelling has recently started, talk to your partner while in a calm and comfortable situation. Simple communication could solve the problem.
Has his yelling always been an issue? If the answer is yes, then your spouse blames you if he is saying he does not feel heard. He is making his problem into a problem with you, and this is mental abuse. This is his way of making his yelling a problem you have to fix with yourself.
Often yelling can be a learned behavior. Was your spouse a part of a household where his parents were constantly yelling at him or him as a child? This can result in an inability to manage emotions clearly and reasonably. In their home growing up, everyone may have dealt with anger or annoyance with yelling, so they did not grow up experiencing healthy arguing and conflict resolution.
In this situation, you may want to discuss this with your spouse, so they may start to realize they have a problem controlling emotions. Working together, you may want to keep a journal when these outbursts of yelling occur. This could help your spouse recognize specific triggers. From there, your spouse can work on expressing their emotions effectively and without yelling.
Does your spouse seem to yell when work is stressful or is a lot at home? Some men react to stress poorly and want to yell at their wives or children when they feel under pressure. Yelling during times of stress only heightens the tense mood in the home or workplace and does nothing to relax their anxieties and calm their emotions.
Sitting down with your spouse and discussing this may help because they may not even realize they are reacting so poorly to stress in their life and only making it worse. This does not excuse their behavior but rather gives them a starting point to work on their problem.
Yes, you are partners, and you can support your partner while they work through healthily handling stress. But in the end, it is their problem to fix.
Poor communication skills
Yelling can be a sign of poor communication skills. There are some men who will name-call and say hurtful things to their partners. Then you have men who don’t name call or say hurtful things, but even in a simple argument, they always raise their voices.
Lack of purpose or self-image issues
Traditionally men were seen as the providers and protectors. The last few generations have slowly moved away from what a “man” is within the family. There are many men who now stay home and raise children while their wife works, so the role of men within the family unit has been blurred and not as strictly defined as it once was.
This has left some men feeling a lack of purpose or unsure of themselves as providers and caretakers. This can result in some men feeling like less of a man. While some men are coming to grips with their changing role in their families, it can result in them feeling they need to reassert themselves through their voice.
A man raised by a father who was the sole provider has an ingrained expectation of what a father and husband are supposed to do. That same man married a highly driven woman who now outearns him after ten years of marriage. To a man, this can result in an issue with his identity. He may begin to yell and try to win arguments or reassert himself thru yelling. As society progresses, that does not mean all individuals progress at the same pace, and we need to recognize this in ourselves and our relationships.
Always been allowed
Sometimes there is a simple answer to the problem. Some men yell and verbally abuse their partner or spouse because they did it in the past and were never stopped. Or the first time they did it with you, it was accepted and brushed off as him being in a bad mood or stressed. He has never been held accountable for his actions, so he continues to do what he has always been allowed to do. It is the same as a child who may break a rule to test how far they can go. If they are never told their action is unacceptable, they keep pushing.
Men who have never been told that their yelling and reactions are unacceptable to keep repeating the behavior. This is not blaming any of their partners for not putting their foot down; it can be intimidating when a man yells at us. But this could be the cause of their repeated actions.
How to handle your husband yelling
1. Stop it from the first occurrence or as soon as he begins yelling
There is no excuse for him to yell at you. Do not just brush it off as a bad day at work or he was in a bad mood. If your husband or partner is yelling at you once the incident has passed and he has calmed down, you need to make him aware of what he did. Explain what he said and why it is unacceptable to you.
If he has excuses for why he yelled, explain that no reason makes it acceptable and advise him if he feels this way again. He needs to leave and cool off or tell you to give him space until he is prepared to communicate effectively.
2. Analyze why he began yelling
Your husband has started yelling at you again, and you are unsure why. Try to think about what was happening before he started to yell. What changed in the argument or situation that caused him to raise his voice?
This can be a great way to recognize if there is a specific trigger that makes him start to yell. Do you notice he only yells at you when you start to tune him out during an argument? Does he yell no matter what is going on, even if you listen to his side of the argument? Analyzing the situation can help you understand if there is a specific cause. Well, there is no good excuse for yelling. Understanding the triggers can help your partner identify better ways to communicate.
3. Try to calm him down
Have you tried to calm your husband while he is yelling at you? First, suggest discussing it later when he is calm and ready to discuss the issue. If that does not seem to calm him down, tell him you understand his frustration. Remember, you can only control yourself in any situation.
Assure him you love him and hear what he has to say. Do not discuss his yelling until he has calmed down. Making him defensive while he is yelling will not calm him down. Once he is calm, this is the time to address why he felt he had to yell.
4. Do not just agree with what he says because he is yelling
If your husband or spouse is yelling at you, do not just agree with what he is saying. When you agree with him, you assert and justify what he is yelling about. In his head, this justifies his actions and gives him reason to continue to yell at you.
You are better off saying nothing than agreeing with what he is yelling about in this situation. You do not want to validate his actions because he is not expressing himself appropriately.
5. Calmly explain how it is making you feel
Once your husband has stopped yelling and calmed down, you need to explain how his yelling makes you feel. Don’t reserve your feelings in this situation; tell him if you feel scared when he yells. They are your feelings, and you have every right to feel that way. He may say he doesn’t mean to. However, how you feel about his actions.
Explain to him what you feel as he is yelling and how you feel after it is over. Does it make you feel stressed over any little argument or thing that could go wrong and cause an argument? Do you feel like you have to make everything perfect , so he has no reason to yell? Explain this to him. Agree that you will work with him on this issue, but ultimately he is the only one who can control his actions.
6. Leave the situation (or allow him to leave) to cool off
After you have observed what seems to lead him to start yelling or once he has already started to yell, suggest you two separate into different rooms until he has calmed down. Tell him to take the dog for a walk or let him know ahead of time. Next time he starts to yell, you will drive to the park or walk the block a few times.
Once he has begun to learn his triggers, he should be able to remove himself from the situation and talk for a walk or go hop in the shower after a bad day at work. Leaving the situation can work well because often when you get away from the situation or argument, you may not even remember what it was about once you have time to calm down.
Remind your partner that this is not a way to push his concerns off. This is just a way to cool down the emotions that lead him to yell. Let him know that you two can discuss the situation once he is calmed down and have a constructive, adult argument.
If he feels that he is not being heard, and that is why he is yelling, make sure once he has cooled off and approached the issue with you that you are listening to his side.
When is therapy the next step?
Once you have talked with your spouse about how their yelling affects you, it may still happen. However, you should see some attempt on their part towards correcting the issue. Although there may be an attempt at progress, there may be repressed issues they may need to be dealt with in therapy.
Your spouse may have all intentions to stop yelling. However, if there is a deeper reason why they react this way, therapy addresses these issues in a safe place.
If you have repeatedly spoken to your partner about their yelling with no success, then therapy may be a necessary step for them to stop this behavior. No one should be in a relationship where they feel invalidated, degraded or scared.
Not all abuse is physical, and often people do not recognize emotional and verbal abuse as easily. It can be hard to detect and easy to find excuses to justify the behavior.
There will always be arguments in a marriage, but when it turns into yelling, it becomes unhealthy. When your husband yells at you, all constructive communication has ended at that point. The goal becomes how to make them stop yelling. Communication is important in a marriage. If your spouse cannot effectively communicate and resorts to yelling, it is time to address the situation before more damage occurs.
If you or someone you know is experiencing verbal abuse. Help is out there. Reach out for additional support.