You wake up in the night. It’s late. It’s quiet and dark. You’re not sure why you woke up suddenly, but you lay there in the silence for a few minutes.
You look over to see your husband sleeping peacefully next to you.
He doesn’t seem much different than when you first met, yet at the same time, you feel as if he is almost a stranger.
He may be sleeping right next to you, but he feels as if he is light-years away.
You spend your days staying busy, but waking up in the night, you are flooded with the worries and fears you try to ignore throughout the day.
Ultimately, you cannot escape the thought:
“I don’t think my husband loves me anymore.”
It is the aching feeling you know will keep you up for the next couple of hours until either the sun comes up or you fall asleep again, exhausted.
The truth is, men can fall out of love, but they can also fall in love once again.
There are things you can do to help him find his way back to you, to hopefully close the distance, and help you sleep more soundly at night, knowing at the very least you gave it your best shot.
Why Would Your Husband Fall Out of Love With You?
People can fall out of love for many different reasons.
Sometimes a big event, like an affair, happens that causes incredible hurt and damage.
Every now and again, a spouse’s wandering eye causes them to enter an unexpected relationship with someone outside their marriage.
For others, years of intense conflict create layers of animosity and resentment.
In many cases, people fall out of love slowly over time, almost to the point it isn’t noticeable until extremely late in the process.
If you take a bucket and set it under leaky pipes, each drop seems insignificant, but eventually, the bucket will overflow with water.
Men can fall out of love (and even pull away for that matter) from the seemingly smallest of moments that add up over time just as they can from big events. The hope is to find ways back to each other, create connection, and renew your love.
When Love Becomes Lost: A Real World Example
Most recently, I had a couple married for almost two decades come in for counseling. For a few months, we tried to work on the relationship.
They were so volatile that we had to move to individual sessions because we were not getting anywhere. I was becoming more of a referee than a therapist.
Finally, the wife came in one day and said she was done. She could not do it anymore.
Almost eight months passed when I received a message saying the husband wanted to come into therapy. They BOTH came! I was in disbelief.
They said they were tired of holding on to anger and realized how much they really wanted their marriage to continue. From that point, they dove into rebuilding their relationship.
You see, it IS possible to resuscitate a dying relationship – even when hope seems lost. The truth is it takes commitment from both partners to make it happen.
However, vulnerability has to start somewhere, and someone has to make the first move.
Read on to discover twenty actionable strategies that are all capable of reigniting your husbands love for you.
20 Ways to Make Your Husband Fall In Love With You Again
If you feel your relationship is on life support because you feel your husband does not love you anymore, there are things you can do.
Being open and vulnerable can be scary, but it can be a risk worth taking because the reward may be everything you hoped for and then some.
You can extend the olive branch and work to build connection, hopefully helping him engage and reconnect with you, and ideally, falling in love with you again.
20. Take Him Down Memory Lane
Sometimes, there’s nothing better than a good old dose of nostalgia to remind you of the days when you were young and in love.
Looking back on what drew you to your husband and what drew him to you can help.
Remind him of those memories, whether through stories or even old pictures from your glory days (you know, the cringy ones with your great haircut and awesome fashion sense, right?)
19. Allow Him to See the Qualities He Finds Attractive About You
It’s easy to get lost in relationships. Over time, we get comfortable, which is a good thing, but it can also mean we lose motivation and become less intentional.
I heard one wife say (in very much in a joking way that both partners laughed about), “I don’t expect you to look like Thor, but if you want to give it your best shot, I wouldn’t stop you.”
The joke was in good fun, and both laughed about it. However, it brings up an important point: Trying matters. It shows the other person you care about them by caring about yourself.
When you try to bring out the qualities in yourself your husband loves, it can be a reminder of what drew him to you.
18. Take Care of Yourself
It pairs nicely with allowing him to see qualities in you he finds attractive. Self-care shows him you actually care about yourself.
If you care about taking care of your body and your mental state, it can show your husband that not only are you trying, but you also care about what kind of spouse you are.
Self-care also matters because it fills you up so you can feel fulfilled and more energized to meet your partner’s needs as well.
I talk to people all the time about being like a well. If we do not fill ourselves up, then we will run dry and not have anything to give to others.
We have to fill ourselves first to be able to put effort into anything else we do, including our relationships.
17. Surprise Him
Do things just for him, just because.
It can be on a grander scale (although make sure it would be received well), or it can be small. Surprises are fun because they’re unexpected.
Ideally, surprise him utilizing his love language (i.e., impromptu date-quality time; doing his laundry-acts of service; dropping off coffee at his work-receiving gifts).
Surprises can also show the person you have been thinking about them, and you went out of your way to do something special for them just because.
16. Get Your Flirt Game On
It sounds silly to say, but flirting can bring fun into the relationship. It does not have to be anything major. Just have fun with your husband.
It can be bonding and bring light and laughter to the relationship. It is also a way to show interest in him.
Think about people who are dating. When they are talking to someone they like, they typically flirt. It is a way of showing they are interested in someone and see if they respond similarly.
Flirting can be a small way to show you’re interested in him and brighten up the relationship.
15. Have Fun & Laugh Together
Having fun together and laughing together builds the friendship bond that relationships need.
Romance and attraction are important, but you need a deeper bond that will sustain you long-term.
It brings enjoyment and positivity, creating memorable, shared experiences with one another.
14. Try Something New Together
It can be vulnerable to try something new, especially with someone else. It does not have to be something major.
Try a new restaurant or a class at the gym.
Whatever the activity, it can create a new shared experience you have never had before.
13. Create a Bonding Experience
Bonding experiences can be just about anything. The important piece is that it is done together, and it is intentional.
It could include doing a tough workout together, fixing something with the house, going on a trip, or engaging in each other’s hobbies.
These types of experiences can open the door for encouraging each other, problem solving together, spending time together, or seeing a different side of each other.
It can get you out of your routine and create a closer bond.
12. Show Him Ways You Are on the Same Page and Find the Goals You Share
Over time, it can feel like relationships drift apart.
As careers take off or kids come into the picture, sometimes the path seems to split, and couples realize they went down completely different roads.
Look for the goals you share with your husband and remind him of those. Let him know you still share those same goals.
If you do not, then work towards getting on the same page.
It can reestablish the partnership when you feel you are on the same path together once again.
11. Remind Him You Are on His Team, You Support Him, and You Have His Back
Allow him to feel your support. Encourage him to be ambitious and work towards his goals.
Let him know you want to see him succeed and help support him in ways he needs it.
If you are unsure of what he needs, it couldn’t hurt to ask. You can ask him how you can help him moving forward.
10. Share in His Burdens and Stress
When we are stressed or burdened by something, it can feel isolating, like we are stranded on an island all alone.
While it is not your job to be responsible for your husband’s feelings, it can be nice for him to know you care about his stress. You do not have to fix it or provide help (unless, of course, he asks you).
Showing you care about his stress reminds him you are a team, and you are not just around for the good moments. You are committed during the difficult moments too.
9. Be His Friend
John Gottman, a psychologist who spent decades researching predictors of divorce and indicators of marital stability, described building love maps.
A love map is his term for the part of the brain that stores valuable information about a person’s partner.
Gottman found these love maps can create friendship and intimacy, which are common in emotionally intelligent couples.
Being his friend and knowing him truly by creating a love map can help bring intimacy and closeness back into the relationship.
8. Be Less Judgmental and Critical
Criticism and judgment can suck the life out of a relationship.
Your husband will likely shut down or push back when facing consistent criticism. It can tear down his self-esteem and confidence. It will lead to more anger and resentment towards you.
7. Do Things That Are Kind and Thoughtful
Instead of the above, show compassion and kindness. Fight judgment with grace and criticism with encouragement.
It will help him feel more supported by you. Your affirmation can even build confidence and self-esteem.
6. Be Affectionate in Action and Speech
Affirmation can come in many forms, whether it is through what you do or what you say. Again, being loving towards him can be simple and small. Just a touch on the shoulder or a hand on his knee can be affirming.
Phrases like “I’m grateful for you” or “Your smile brightens my day” can mean a lot to him. A little affection can go a long way in terms of creating a deeper connection.
5. Admit When You Are Wrong
This one is big. It’s also incredibly difficult to do sometimes!
Dropping the defensive posture and showing humility can be helpful in making repair attempts.
It can show a willingness to listen and understand him. It can create a safe space for him to be more open with you if he does not already feel defeated.
4. Turn Towards Him When There Is an Issue Rather Than Away
It is SO easy when anger, hurt, or resentment occurs to shut the other person out. Part of it may be a self-preservation strategy, but another part of it might be a way of trying to punish or hurt the other person.
If you are feeling the distance between you and your husband, it’s important to think about how you approach problems with him. Think about the role you play in the pattern of conflict.
Instead of turning away when there is a problem, turn toward him. Show you are committed to working through any problems in your marriage. Listen to what he is saying. Validate his feelings. Be vulnerable by sharing your feelings.
It probably seems simple and obvious, but it is not automatic. The majority of couples who come to counseling end up saying at some point, “We need help communicating.”
If you want the relationship to improve, you have to talk to each other. I have worked with couples who avoid talking because “we do not want to fight.”
Believe me; I empathize with that sentiment. However, by not communicating verbally, you are still communicating non-verbally.
Non-verbal communication is up to interpretation, and if the relationship is struggling, you likely are not giving each other the benefit of the doubt.
Open the line of communication with your husband. Show him you are interested in engaging with him, rather than stonewalling him.
2. Ask Him for His Opinions, Ideas, or Even Advice and Take It Seriously
For your husband, he wants to feel you care about what he thinks. He also wants to help you if you were dealing with an issue (stereotypically speaking, men like to problem-solve).
You must do this genuinely. No one wants to feel someone is placating them. Doing this helps you involve him in your life and allows him to feel like you see him as an asset.
He has things to bring to the table. Allowing him to do that can build his self-esteem.
1. Go to Therapy
Show you are willing to do what it takes to make your relationship work. Honestly, it could be going to therapy together, separately, or both.
It could involve doing marriage seminars, reading books, or connecting with mentors.
Sometimes, marriages need extra guidance and help. Therapy can help provide the tools and space to overcome barriers and wounds in the relationship.
While therapy or other marriage enrichment tools do not guarantee success, they can give relationships the opportunity to repair, reconcile, and rebuild.
Every relationship is different and likely will have different needs. Some of these tips might seem small and insignificant in isolation.
However, there is beauty in the simplicity and strength in numbers, right?
What I do know is the little things add up over time. A bucket of small negative events will eventually fill up, but the same can be said for little positive moments.
Over time, doing the little things can build up and overflow through reestablishing connection, rebuilding intimacy, and falling in love again.