Everyone can usually relate to interacting with someone where afterward, you think, replay, and analyze it thoroughly. We all do it, but as women, we tend to do it a lot.
Have you ever seen the Friends episode after (SPOILER ALERT!) Ross kisses Rachel for the first time?
Immediately after, Rachel runs to the apartment to tell Monica and Phoebe. They rip the phone off the hook (old tech alert!) and want her to “tell us everything, every detail!”
On the other side, Joey just asks Ross if there was any tongue. Ross confirms it. Joey says, “Cool,” and they move on.
On some occasions, analyzing can be our brain’s way of making meaning of certain experiences and storing it as memory.
On the other hand, it can get us into trouble.
Therefore, we constantly toe the line of trying to pay attention but NOT over-analyze to “see” something that is not really there.
However, there are moments in your life where your gut starts to tell you something. You may push it off for a while, but then it just keeps coming up over and over again.
In those moments, it’s important to observe and analyze what is happening. For you, your gut might be telling you the person you are with might not love you anymore.
If it is, it’s important for you to look at his behavior to confirm what you might be feeling.
It is appropriate to analyze his behavior because, if he is behaving in ways similar to the list below, there is a strong possibility he might not be in love anymore.
While this might be a painful realization, knowing the reality can give you peace of mind and empower you to move forward in ways you feel are beneficial for yourself.
Sign #20: He Seems to Have Pushed You Down His Priority List
If he does not love you anymore, it can indicate you are not as important to him. You will likely begin to fall down his priority list because he would rather put his time and energy into other things.
You may begin to notice he puts other things ahead of anything related to you or your relationship (i.e., household chores, work, friendships, extended family, hobbies, etc.)
Sign #19: He Is Distant
If he is not feeling in love anymore, you might feel very distant from him. Distance can be experienced both emotionally and physically.
He may “do his own thing” more often or start finding excuses to sleep elsewhere.
He might feel distant through a lack of engagement in conversation or being less expressive about how he is feeling.
He might be initiating very little and overall seems less invested.
It is similar to being pushed down the priority list. If he is not feeling the relationship, he will be less invested and likely seem more distant.
Sign #18: He Is Critical
Whether it is resentment, anger, or apathy, if your husband is no longer in love, he can become more critical.
You may notice that he nitpicks what you do, or he starts to criticize certain things he had never mentioned before (i.e., “Why did you put the glasses here? You shouldn’t have done that.”).
He may end up using hyperbolic statements “you always…” or “you never…” to describe your behavior. The criticism may begin to pick up in intensity and frequency over time.
Sign #17: He Becomes More Unkind
While this is similar to criticism, being unkind can take on another form. It might involve more name-calling or using statements that hit “below the belt.”
He might say things like, “You are crazy! What is wrong with you?!” or “Geez, you are as manipulative as your mother.”
He might not just criticize you for what you do, but he might begin to dig, becoming extremely hurtful.
If he is apathetic towards you, he may not hold anything back when he speaks to you.
Sign #16: He Does Not Apologize for Hurting You
Apathy can often lead to a huge lack of empathy and lack of remorse. If you love someone and care about them deeply, you will apologize for hurting them.
If he does not really care about the relationship anymore, he probably will not care if he says hurtful things to you, which means he will likely stop apologizing when he does hurt you.
I have sat with couples where one person begins to cry as they recount something hurtful their partner said to them. When the partner does not offer comfort and sits next to them stone-faced, it is not a good sign.
It indicates that they are extremely checked out and lack the necessary empathy for their partner.
Sign #15: He Does Not Seem Empathetic to Your Feelings
This goes hand-in-hand with the former point. The ability to empathize is critical in relationships.
Empathy is often the catalyst for reconciliation because it can lead to patience and understanding.
If he lacks empathy, it can mean he is extremely disengaged from the relationship and might NOT be interested in repairing it.
Sign #14: He Is Frequently Angry
Frequent anger and irritability typically indicate a lack of happiness, contentment, or satisfaction.
If he has fallen out of love yet is still in the relationship, he might be feeling trapped (even if it is his own doing!)
If he is lashing out, constantly irritable, or having anger outbursts, it can be a sign he no longer wants to be in the relationship and just has not ended it.
That being said, this can be a symptom of many other things as well, so do not jump to conclusions right away!
Sign #13: He Does Not Show Physical Affection (Except Sex – Sometimes)
Men typically appreciate affection and tend to be more physical in nature. Physical affection often helps guys feel good and more secure about the relationship.
If he stops showing affection, that can indicate a lack of love towards you. The exception can be sex.
If sex is occurring, but he is not really showing affection, it can still mean he is no longer in love. Some can detach themselves and just be involved in a physical sense.
Sign #12: He Does Not Seem Interested in Sex
If he is no longer having sex with you or seems to make many excuses around not having sex, it can indicate he has fallen out of love and has disengaged from the relationship.
Even if there are times where you do end up having sex, you may still experience a disconnect. He might not be interested in foreplay or spending time holding you afterward.
He may be interested in the act alone but not the other aspects of intimacy that create more of a bond or connection.
Sign #11: He No Longer Expresses Himself Emotionally
Communication is important, but it also depends on what kind of communication. Your husband can technically be an excellent communicator without saying anything of importance.
Part of intimacy is being emotionally vulnerable with someone.
You want your partner to express what he feels like sharing, what makes him happy, what worries him, and what he hopes for.
You want him to tell you how much the life you built together means to him. You want to hear him say, “I love you.”
Without those things, all you really have is a roommate. He may be a vault, locked down to anyone else, but as long as he is open with you, that is what matters.
If this is absent from your relationship, he may be distancing himself from you.
Sign #10: He Begins to Work Late (at Least More Than Usual)
Some people work late on occasion due to deadlines, complications, or busy seasons.
For example, if you are married to an accountant, you know the first few months of every year are crazy. We are talking about the husbands who get home at roughly the same time every day.
If suddenly, they consistently start working late, this could be a sign of avoidance.
Husbands who are happy in their relationship look forward to going home and are engaged when they are home. If they are coming home late, it can mean they are unhappy and beginning to pull away.
Sign #9: He Goes out With Coworkers or Friends More Than Usual
This idea piggy-backs off the former point. It is all still part of the pattern of avoidance. Whether it is with work or other people, he may use them to fill up the time he could be spending with you.
In some ways, it allows him to have an excuse as to why he is not around without having to come out and say, “I don’t want to spend time with you.”
Actions can reveal a lot. If his actions involve little time at home other than brief interactions in the morning, before bed, and sleeping next to you, then he is in a pattern of avoidance.
I am currently working with a couple where the wife focuses all her attention on her kids because she does not want to interact with her husband.
She has years of resentment and anger towards him, and now she admits she uses work and the kids as a buffer between her and her husband. Even their youngest sleeps in bed with her at night!
It has sent a clear message to her husband (she is uninterested in connecting with him), which is part of what they are working on in therapy.
Sign #8: He Takes on More Hobbies or Commitments That Pull Him Away From Home
These last few points seem to relate and feed off each other. They might be similar but just manifest in different ways.
It is important to have hobbies and to honor commitments. However, it goes back to managing priorities.
I have listened to many spouses over the years talk about how they do not feel like they are a priority to their partner.
If you are not a top priority to your husband, you probably already know it.
His actions will speak loudly on his behalf. He will focus more on the things that are important to him. It may involve you occasionally, but it will mostly be his interests and his commitments on his timetable.
If you don’t care as much about something (even something like a relationship), you will not put it high on your priority list, and you will focus more on the things you care about.
Sign #7: He Seems Disinterested in Conversation and/or Quality Time
Again, it is another sign under the umbrella of avoidance. If your husband is avoiding being at home or around you, it can mean he is avoiding conversation and quality time with you.
He could be purposefully setting up a scenario where there is little interaction.
If you are not interested in intimacy or connection, you might intentionally leave little time where it could possibly occur (or feel the pressure for it to occur).
Sign #6: He Seems Less Interested in Making Plans (Especially Regarding Your Future)
Whether it is a date or saving up to buy a new car, you may notice anything related to the future gets ignored, avoided, or shut down completely.
Again, it circles back to turning away from the relationship. Avoidance can take on many different forms. Not everyone is great about thinking ahead and making plans.
However, if he is not engaged in the process, it could be a sign he is pulling away. It can indicate he is not interested or looking forward to the future.
If he is no longer in love, he will not be interested in taking the initiative on most things. You may even notice he does make plans, but they might not involve you.
He may plan to go to the gym, spend time with a friend of his, and take the dog on a walk. He may even communicate these plans to you, but when it comes to making plans where “we” is involved, he may avoid them.
Sign #5: He Becomes Non-Committal
If he is not involved in making plans for the future (no matter how small), this can potentially reveal his lack of commitment.
In the past, he may have talked plenty of times about goals and dreams you had together. He may have talked about things he wanted to advance your relationship (i.e. talk about getting engaged, moving in together, or buying a house).
If he is no longer talking about the future and even seems to dismiss those conversations, he may be less committed.
If he is no longer in love, in his mind, he likely sees the relationship as having an expiration date.
A husband who feels the relationship will eventually end will not see the point in talking about the long-term. His thinking may be:
Why invest in something that will end?
Sign #4: He Begins to Make Decisions You Do Not Find out About Until Later
Healthy couples and healthy relationships talk about the decisions they are going to make. Even if the decision pays off and it is exciting, the process of making decisions needs to be more collaborative.
Recently, I started working with a couple who has been married for almost fifteen years.
In our first session, the wife brought up how the husband joined the military during their first year of marriage without talking to her about it.
Even after much time had passed, the resentment grew and still upsets her when it comes up. That was a big decision, but even smaller decisions can indicate a lack of love.
While the small decisions might not be as life-changing as joining the military, if you are not hearing about decisions he is making until later or by accident, there is a massive lack of communication.
A large lack of communication can reveal a disconnect in the relationship and maybe even reveal he is moving away from togetherness.
Sign #3: He Becomes Secretive (or Withholding)
If you notice he is not making decisions together, this could indicate more secrecy or things he could be withholding from you. It’s another example of him not including you in his life.
Some secretive behavior can look like:
- hiding his phone or being protective of his phone
- stepping outside or into another room when he gets a phone call
- having passwords or not sharing his passwords with you (particularly if he did not have a password or refused to share his password before)
- not being very specific about who he is spending his time with or where he is going
- not being very forthcoming when you ask about his day.
Those are just a few examples of what secretive and withholding behavior can look like (especially if it is behavior he has not really done before).
Sign #2: He Compares You to Other Women
These last two signs are less subtle and more in your face and are extremely hurtful. You want your partner to appreciate who you are as a person and what you bring to the relationship.
If he is comparing you to other women, he does not appreciate who you are. The comparison can come in obvious statements like, “You should be more supportive like John’s wife.”
They can come in somewhat less in-your-face statements. For example, if you were watching a movie and the male character has a girlfriend who surprises him with lunch, and he says, “Oh, I wonder what that’s like.”
He may not be saying your name, but he is essentially comparing you to someone else.
If he compares you to other people, it can mean he has a desire to be with someone else (maybe not a specific person, just someone else in general).
He is having a “grass is greener” moment and thinking about what he wishes he had rather than what he does have with you.
When love is not present, it can make it difficult to appreciate who your partner is as a person.
Sign #1: He Asks to “Take a Break”
While this one might seem obvious, it is often a statement that has a wide spectrum of meanings, interpretations, and expectations.
Remember our Friends reference from earlier?
Well, here is another classic one right here (SPOILER ALERT!): “We were on a break!”
If you have seen the show, you know this scenario.
In a heated fight, Rachel says, “Maybe we should take a break.” Ross leaves and has a one-night stand with someone else.
Rachel comes to Ross the next morning saying she is sorry and she wants to work things out. Ross is thrilled and wants the same things.
Rachel finds out he slept with someone else, and then everything falls apart.
“Taking a break” can be anything from “We should take some time away from each other” (which can mean anything from legally separating to spending a weekend apart) to basically breaking up.
If this statement (or something along the lines) is said, it is important to understand what he means.
You absolutely need to know what his expectations are based on that statement. Making assumptions and interpretations can get messy fast.
Sometimes “taking a break” leaves one partner feeling hopeful there can be or will be reconciliation. In reality, that might not be the intention of the person asking for the break.
Wrapping Up Signs He No Longer Loves You
If a few of these behaviors have happened or have been happening in your relationship, do not panic!
Some of these behaviors may happen in isolation or very infrequently, so try not to over-analyze. Context also matters here as well. Look at his behaviors, but also look at the whole picture.
If he is displaying many of these, he is doing them frequently, and there doesn’t seem to be any major stressors occurring in his life (basically, other obvious potential causes to said behaviors), then there is a definite cause for concern.
However, even though it may be painful, knowing how he feels gives you the power to figure out your next steps and get to a place where you are ready to move forward, ultimately figuring out what is best for you.