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Stepchildren Ruining Your Marriage? Here’s How to Erase the Damage…


Are step kids ruining your marriage? The key to fixing this is to be a team with your spouse.

Once you see the bigger picture, the expert tips in this guide will help you get your blended family back on track.

No matter how alone and overwhelmed you may feel, many other stepparents just like you experience these same struggles.

Do These Problems Sound Familiar?

  • Your spouse always seems to defend their kid, even their awful behavior.
  • You and your spouse spend more time complaining about each other’s kids than having fun.
  • You feel like an outsider when your spouse’s kids are around and can’t wait for them to go back to their other home for a few days.
  • You really try to be kind to your stepchildren, but they say they hate you.

These issues are very common for stepfamilies. Rest assured, your marriage isn’t doomed.

From this guide, you’ll learn more about…

  • How stepchildren really feel and the role they can play in ruining a marriage.
  • Expert tips on handling stepchildren of all ages, especially ones that don’t like you.
  • Key things you should never say to stepchildren.

Don’t give up! This isn’t an overnight fix. In fact, it will take some work, but your marriage will be much stronger after you work through these issues. Onward!

Can Stepchildren REALLY ruin your marriage?

Can Stepchildren REALLY ruin your marriage

Your marriage was great at the start, but somewhere along the way, your step children have turned into little monsters. It feels as if your marriage is crumbling before your eyes and you know exactly who to blame. But do you really?

Truthfully, you, your spouse, and your stepchildren all play a part in your troubled marriage. No matter how awful the kids are, the adults create conflict too.

Take a step back and look at this from another angle.

  • Your stepchildren didn’t ask for their family to fall apart, and they didn’t ask you to join it either.
  • You are an easy target for their hurt and confused feelings.
  • Your spouse might have some shortcomings and struggle as a parent.
  • Your stepchildren may have been through trauma that you don’t know about.

Change starts with you and your spouse. Truth be told, fixing your marriage takes commitment and a willingness to look at your own mistakes.

How Stepchildren Can Play a Role in Ruining Marriages

How Stepchildren Ruin Marriages
Stepchildren can be the source of ongoing conflict in some remarriages. Children often feel powerless when their parents split apart. Sometimes creating conflict is the only way they feel they can make something happen.

The scenarios below highlight three common problems with stepchildren and remarriages. You’ll see how these issues can pull spouses apart instead of bringing them together.

Problem 1: Kids’ behaviors and comments can pit spouses against each other

Some kids feel upset or resentful about a parent’s remarriage. Frankly, they purposely do things to get their parent and new spouse upset with each other.

Kids will push their stepparent’s buttons and form an alliance with their biological parent. This creates an unhealthy triangle that puts pressure on the married couple.

Jason and Lara

Jason and Lara have been married for two years. Lara’s son, Robbie, is 10 and lives with them most of the time. Lara knew the divorce was hard on Robbie, so she gave him extra attention when she could.

After several months, Robbie began picking fights with Jason and talking back. Most of this happened when Lara wasn’t around. Jason told Lara about Robbie’s behavior, but Lara dismissed his concerns.

After several months of this continued behavior, the tension between Jason and Robbie grew significantly.

Eventually, Jason lashed out at Robbie in front of Lara and she immediately defended Robbie. During this moment, Jason professed that Robbie had been picking fights for months, but all Lara could see was her husband’s anger and her son crying.

Hearing about Robbie’s behavior was so overwhelming for Lara, just as it had been during her divorce. Jason felt like he’d been kicked out into the cold, alone in his own marriage.

Problem 2: Kids are given the reins of power out of guilt

In second marriages, parents often hand over way more power to their children than they should. Much of this comes from guilt over breaking up the original family.

A guilt-ridden parent can become permissive, turning a blind eye to their kid’s irresponsibility. This can deeply threaten a remarriage.

Jim and Sarah

Sarah and Jim have adult children from previous marriages. Recently, Sarah’s 20-year-old son, Trevor, dropped out of college and moved in with them.

He promised to get a job at first, but ended up spending much of his time hanging out with friends.

Jim tried talking to Sarah about Trevor finding a job and getting out on his own. When approached, Sarah said that her ex-husband was too demanding of Trevor growing up. And as time progressed, Sarah created even more excuses for Trevor’s lack of responsibility.

Jim became more frustrated over the next few months and finally had a confrontational blowout with Sarah about Trevor’s situation.

During this moment, Sarah threatened divorce, and Trevor hardly came out of his room. Jim couldn’t believe how quickly their marriage broke down and how fast and far Sarah went to defend her son.

Problem 3: Kids cope with their emotions by acting out

Child behavior problems are nothing new in families. But when kids act out in a remarriage, much more is at stake. Admittedly, remarriage means there is no hope for parents to get back together.

And as children, moving back and forth between homes gets stressful. Going through constant change can put an unbearable strain on a marriage.

Paul and Kristi

Kristi has a 6-year-old and Paul has two sons, ages 9 and 11, all from their previous marriages.

Kristi and Paul have been married less than two years, and it has been rocky from the start. Paul’s two boys wrestled and fought with each other daily and sometimes broke things and hurt each other.

On the other hand, Kristi’s daughter was afraid, often clung to her, and cried. Kristi spent a lot of time trying to manage her daughter’s intense and emotional behavior.

Kristi was also very concerned about the boys’ rough behavior. After all, Paul did not discipline the boys and said their rough housing was natural and they didn’t mean any real harm to each other. Kristi told Paul in doing so that many times her daughter was in danger around the boys.

As time progressed, Paul became more frustrated with Kristi’s daughter. He said she was acting like a baby and needed to grow up and thought Kristi coddled her too much.

After almost two years, both Kristi and Paul became critical of each other’s parenting and somewhat blind to their own kids’ emotional problems.

Tips for Dealing With Difficult Stepchildren Relationships

A stepchild’s age plays a big part in how you approach your relationship. No matter how old they are, your best move is to be kind and respectful. As the newcomer to the family, it can take a while for you to get comfortable.

Generally, it’s important that you approach this situation gently and sympathize with their feelings whenever possible.

Dealing with Young Stepchildren (Children and Preteens)

Young kids still need plenty of time with both biological parents. Unfortunately, they may not understand why their parents live in different places now.

Do your best to create a positive relationship with their other parent. This may not be easy or feel genuine at first. However, your cooperation sends a reassuring message to the kids. Life is different, but the adults are a team.

Be friendly and invite them to play with you. Don’t be discouraged if they don’t want to. It may take them a while to warm up. Let their trust in you develop at their own pace.

Be patient with their emotional reactions. Little kids have a lot of big feelings, and they rarely know what to do with them. Rejecting you might be one action they feel they can control.

Dealing with Teenage Stepchildren

Remember that a teenager’s main job is to learn how to become independent. They do this in the most annoying ways and can often seem moody or easily get upset.

Your teen stepchild might warm up to you, but don’t be surprised if they start by brushing you off or testing your patience. Take it slow.

You want a teen stepchild to see you all as a family unit, even if it’s unfamiliar at first. Create a fun family night once a week or two where everyone spends time together. Expect some resistance, but invite them to have a say in what you do as a group.

If your teen stepchild acts rudely or tries to fight with you, let your spouse handle it. Build that relationship before you act as an authority figure.

Dealing with Adult Stepchildren

Adult stepchildren are not immune to emotional conflict and bad behavior. Nonetheless, some adult stepchildren have open hearts and will have a relationship with a stepparent. On the contrary, others hold on to a lot of emotional baggage and have trouble getting past old conflicts.

Start by being polite. As adults, they have their own lives and households. You aren’t an authority figure to them, so begin by being friendly. This could grow into a warm parent-child type of relationship. Or it might at least be a friendly connection.

At worst, you will be ignored or pulled into drama. This can be emotionally draining, especially if you’re trying hard to get along with everyone. Have your spouse handle any upsetting incidents, and remember, pull together as a team.

If your adult stepchildren are rude and childish, that behavior is on them. Try your best to not take this personally. That behavior is for them to work out and you to avoid.

How to Build a Relationship With Stepchildren Who Don’t Like You

Living with a stepchild who doesn’t like you can be rough, but it may not be that way forever. These tips can help you handle the ride when it gets bumpy.

Continue being kind and respectful

You may not reap the rewards for a while, but keep being kind and respectful. Be prepared to hear “You aren’t my mom/dad,” or “I hate you.”

This is not unusual, plus it can hurt and feel frustrating. Know that your positive behavior will stick with them. Until then, they need to see that before they trust you. They need to test the waters with you before they open up and express their feelings.

Read up and educate yourself on the dynamics of stepfamilies

It takes more than one informative article to guide a person through step parenthood. It’s important that you do your own homework like finding highly recommended books and podcasts.

In short, learn as much as you can about stepfamily relationships and family dynamics.

You can accomplish this by joining a social or support group to hear how other real-life stepparents work through problems. Your knowledge base will evolve as your stepchildren grow older and your relationships change.

Avoid badmouthing the other parent

Your spouse’s ex may have a lot of personal problems. They may also be a large source of conflict in your family.

While it may indeed be tempting, never spell out the details to your stepchildren. They might look for something like this so they can pit your spouse against you so beware.

If you need to tell your stepchildren any negative news about their other parent, do it intentionally. Say it as a couple or let your spouse handle it themselves. Never blurt it out as an emotional comment.

Step back from discipline

There may be a time when you can successfully discipline your stepchildren. But if you are facing a lot of conflict with them, let your spouse handle it. Be a friend and get to know them first.

A heavy hand with discipline will put you in the wicked stepparent role pretty quickly so have patience.

Encourage your spouse to have alone time with their kids

Your spouse has a lifelong connection with their children and the bond between them is undoubtedly incredibly strong.

The kids may be worried about you taking up all their parent’s time. They might also feel a longing to have things like they used to be without you.

So, it would be in everyone’s best interest if you openly encourage this private time. Ultimately, your spouse needs to continue developing relationships with his or her children.

Keep your marriage strong

Your marriage is the bedrock of your family, and, consequently, your stepchildren are wary of the disruption in their family. And lo and behold, you are the face of all that change.

As you continue to have a stable and solid marriage with their parent, they may eventually feel more at ease with you.

Things to Never Say to Your Stepchildren

If the number one tip is being kind and respectful, the next best tip is this: don’t say something you will regret or hurtful.

The comments below may seem harmless at first, but as you will soon discover, you’ll see just how hurtful they are to a stepchild’s heart.

You can call me Mom/Dad.

Most stepchildren already have both a mom and a dad. They aren’t looking for a replacement parent or multiple moms and dads. To a stepchild, this comment is disrespectful and feels intrusive.

Instead, suggest they use your first name. If the child is young, they may feel like calling you Mom or Dad if their other biological parent is deceased or out of the picture. At any rate, let the child decide.

Why are you always upset?

This comment puts the child on the defensive. In doing so, they may feel exposed, and as if their emotions are obvious. At the end of the day, their parents are divorced and there are new people in the family. Can you really blame them?

Instead, be patient with the child’s emotional state. Understand they are in upheaval and they may not know how to cope with their emotions.

Nonetheless, don’t tolerate disrespect or violent behavior. Loop your spouse in right away if that happens and get on the same page quickly.

Why don’t you like me?

Like the previous comment, you represent the destruction of their parents’ marriage. You wouldn’t be in the family if their parents were still together. In fact, you are easy to dislike, no matter how nice you are.

No stepchildren are exactly alike. One may enjoy spending time with you while another does not. Know that at some point they may say they hate you. This can be tough to hear, but it’s crucial that you remain patient and let each relationship develop at its own pace.

Why can’t you be more grateful?

Nobody enjoys being told to be grateful. It’s a mindset that has to come from the heart. So don’t say this to your stepchild, your own child, your spouse, or to anyone. You don’t promote gratitude by being pushy about it.

Gratitude grows best when you show it yourself. Instead, tell your stepchild how grateful you are to know them. Show them how to be thankful for the sunshine and every new day. Teach them to be thankful for other people’s kindness.

Does your mom/dad let you get away with that?

There are a few things majorly wrong with this statement that as a step-parent you must be aware of.

First, you’re putting the child on the defense without explaining what’s wrong. Second, you disrespect one or both of their parents by making them sound like the bad guy.

At the very least, both you and your spouse need to communicate well about the children’s behavior. Besides, it’s normal for kids to cover up their mistakes or say they have permission from their parents.

If you see a problem behavior, stay calm, and keep your tone neutral. Just make sure the child isn’t doing something unsafe where they could harm themselves.

Saving Your Marriage and Family Ties

Stepfamily relationships can be tense, but they don’t have to spell the end for you and your spouse.

Use the suggestions from this guide to help your family work together. And if it doesn’t go well on your own, you might find family counseling helpful.

Don’t lose hope. Know that many other stepparents are working through these issues one day at a time. What you are experiencing is normal.


Photo of author

Erika Krull, LMHP

Erika Krull, MSEd, LMHP, brings her experience as a mental health counselor to her writing. She’s helped many people work through challenging relationship dynamics and issues. She’s also addressed a broad scope of mental health issues with individuals, couples, and families.

146 thoughts on “Stepchildren Ruining Your Marriage? Here’s How to Erase the Damage…”

    • Crazy how I’m not alone in this! My man has a 9yr old girl that has a lot of power over both parents. They’ve been swapping her every other day since they separated when she was 3. She likes me when we hang out and the moment she hears “no” she’s back on saying how much she doesn’t like me.
      Latest example: yesterday, him and I had “intimate time” planned after he put her to bed. At 9:30pm she decided she’d like to sleep on our master bathroom floor. *Mind you, he co-sleeps with her in her bed to this day. I sleep on my own in our bed when she’s over. And for last year she’s supposed to be sleeping on her own, even though that has not happened even ONE night at our house*
      As a boundary, I have said she can’t sleep in our room since I moved in. Which would be an easy agreement in a step parent/ parent agreement when it comes to their older kid, don’t you think?
      I’ve watched him start with no and end with yes damn near every time she asks for something. As I overheard this because she showers in our shower too, I said no, it’s too late.
      He was saying no and it’s the moment I chimed in he changed his mind

      He jumps to defends his child, whisper arguing with me while in front of her, as she helps herself in bringing in pillows/blankets.
      I stay calm and tell him to have her go to the her room as we talk. He does so and then freaks out on me, saying “I don’t make her feel welcomed and she would have said yes if I ever asked to sleep on her floor!”
      Wtf?
      Also blames me for her not liking me…

      I feel like I’m in a twilight zone. And this is just the most recent time he clearly argues with me in front of her, like he wants her to see him defend her. I have never tried to be mom, I’ve always let the (nonexistent) disciplining come from him and the moment she does something naughty I get him involved and leave it with him.

      It’s sad to say but I dread the days she comes back, which is every other fucking night.

      Help me, what am I doing?

      Reply
      • I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. I understand where you are coming from.

        I have 2 biological children (14yo son and 11yo daughter) from a previous marriage. My wife has 2 biological children (24yo son and 14yo son) and 2 adopted children from a previous relationship (14yo son and 13yo daughter).

        Right now, her 13 yo daughter is causing so many problems in our relationship. She is constantly talking about me and lying about me saying I’m doing and saying things I’m not. She tells her biological mom that I am talking about her. She has attacked me twice. She threatens to harm herself when she doesn’t get her way. She plays my wife and her ex against each other. She tells my wife that she doesn’t love her because my wife loves me. It’s a disaster.

        My wife demands respect from all the kids in the household except her daughter. She gets mad at me for making it clear that she is being a hypocrite when it comes to “respect” and the lack of respect she gets from her daughter.

        Recently, her daughter has been causing so many issues and has gotten in trouble so much at school that my wife has sent her to her moms house for some time. She blamed me for the decision. While I didn’t have a say so, I cannot be upset that she is not here: I am actually thrilled that she is gone for a month. We are moving to Florida and I am actually praying to God that my wife leaves her here with her mom. I feel terrible for feeling this way but when she is not around, there are no issues between my wife and I. No issues between the children. Everything is perfect. I just literally has gotten to the point that I resent her and I want nothing more to do with her.

        Reply
        • My wife has a son from previous relationship and I don’t have. The son is 7yo. He does nothing wrong except one time he went to visit his father, and came back telling me I am not his father. The mother talked to him and he seem to have understood.
          The problem is that we don’t have a child after 6 years in marriage. I feel being used for taking care of other man’s child. I knew she has a child even before we got married, but I just thought things would be fine once we add another child. Currently I want to file a divorce. Advise, what must I do?

          Reply
          • I’ve been a stepparent (mother) for a very long time and it is very hard. The first thing you have to realize is that it’s volunteer work. You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to marry someone who already has kids. And there is a 70% divorce rate. My step kids are adults. Sometimes it’s OK and other times it’s like there’s this emotional field of land mines. I am distancing myself when possible and encouraging him to spend time with his kids alone. They need and want to see HIM. But not so much ME. And that’s OK. I’ve got lots of other stuff to do and keep myself busy. I don’t want to be the support servant while they visit.

        • I don’t think that is exactly what some of us need to hear. I am in the same situation however we are not married. I would love to marry him, but his kids and their mom will go to great lengths to make sure that does not happen! The one daughter pulls everything over his eyes and the oldest goes along with it. This is yes mainly caused by jealous mother (who is remarried and has other kids with new man) but I am considered a threat of some sort. We had a great life in the beginning and now we are just on edge every time we are all together. I love him so much.

          Reply
          • This happened to me. I bent over backwards to appease two children who were conditioned to hate me (by their mother). In the end, everything I did was taken for granted. I ended up leaving, with my child (the other two are half siblings). Frankly, I was tired of being disrespected. The difficult part is, I still care about the well-being of both kids. I can’t hold either accountable for how they feel – their father refused to stand up to his ex-wife. She was allowed to openly spew her hatred of me – and she sure took advantage of that. The emotional immaturity of both knew no boundaries. Sad, as they are seven years older than I am. One would think…

            If your significant other isn’t standing up for you, I’m afraid the outcome is dire. Regardless of what you do, your stepchildren will follow by example. While I will never regret trying to build a stable family for them, I wish I had listened to the advice of others. My ex wasn’t mature enough to deal with his ex-wife – nor, was he willing to protect his new family. Had he been stronger, this may have worked.

            Presently, I have no desire to be involved with anyone. Not seriously. Until my own child is older, I intend to stay out of relationships. We’ve both been through enough – there’s no need to witness mom being emotionally abused. Ever again.

          • Wow how I can relate, we are not married yet. His Adult kids are very needy, needs dads money, not responsible at all living out on their own. They don’t like me cause Dad and I have well had a great life. These kids only come around when they need something. I have children of my own and they are all very successful and are very responsible. His kids never ask dad if he needs anything it’s always what they can get. They never speak to me other then a Hello if that.. it’s very frustrating for me to sit back and watch these kids take take and give dad nothing in return.

        • I feel exactly the same.
          My step son and I had a wonderful relationship. He has always lived with his father and rarely saw his mum. Once I had my baby 5 years later he changed.

          His new thing is to be rude and disrespectful constantly with constant back chat and causes his father and I to argue. My husband doesn’t see what he’s doing by playing into his sons games and when I try to explain it to him he says I have something against my step son. I have been more of a mother than his own mother yet I’m called selfish.
          They deliberately leave me out and segregates me all the time. Nothing I do or say is right and I feel like I’m literally on edge all the time. I don’t want my son growing up thinking this is the right way to treats his mum but I want to stay married for my child.

          My husband constantly picks dumb fights and blames it all on me. Whenever we plan for us time they never happen due to his arguments. He deliberately goes to his sons room and stays there until I am asleep before he comes to bed and gives me the silent treatment until he wants to talk to me. I’ve told her m how his behavior makes me feels and his constant bring downs infront of son could also be a reason why he’s now behaving like this but as per he defends him and tells me I’m the problem.

          I’ve lost count on how many times he’s said he wants a divorce yet after he’s calmed down he says he regrets saying it.

          Help me where the fuck did I go wrong and is my marriage over?

          Reply
          • I have a similar situation. My husband and I have been together since his son was a baby. His mother has supervised visits in another state and sees him 3-4 times a year. My husband has full custody of him.
            He has always been mouthy and it’s gotten worse. He won’t help out and he’s extremely disrespectful. It hurts, because his demeanor at 10 1/2 years old reminds me of my ex husband.
            My husband now wrote me a letter that I found in the trash, but he hasn’t given it to me that he is tired of us arguing all the time and he can’t take it anymore. He says that even though we’ve always been good friends, that he feels the only way to fix this situation is to get a divorce. I’m currently in counseling to help me better a better stepmom but now I think I need help as a wife.
            I don’t know how to fix this and it hurts that now my husband won’t even tell me he loves me like he used to! Ugh!

      • I know exactly how you feel I have ben with my boyfriend for 3years an I have my daughter from a pervasive relationship an he has 5 kids from his pervasive marriage an we have a son together I feel like the kids are doing everything in there power to split us up they did ones an we got back together but it has not ben easy for me at all I am afraid to do or say anything to them because if I do I am the bad person but when they are over he let’s them do whatever they want they detoy the house the break thing an I am expected to just sit there an let them do it. Well my son an daughter get yelled at for that stuff I ask is for them to behave an not deroy my house an brack thing it is taking a big toll on my relationship I need some help with how to deal with this

        Reply
      • *alarm bells* Personally I think you should be more worried of the fact he’s co-sleeping with his 9yo daughter in her bed rather than being in bed with you…. That seems like very odd behaviour. Perhaps there are other reasons he’s trying to push you away to have more time with her.

        Reply
        • I agree 100%. A grown man should NEVER sleep with his 9yo daughter. Period! Sorry to be the one to say it but….there is sexual abuse going on. You will be in denial because that seems like something only a “monster” would do and you aren’t married to a monster but I can tell you now, he’s abusing her. That’s also why he’s keeping her so close to him (picking her up every other night). He needs to still be in control and not let his secret out.
          ,

          Reply
        • My step children are early to mid 20s. They are disrespectful, selfish and rude. They have excluded themselves from everything we have tried to do. As blended family, on our own then it came to them saying that they simply did not want to be part of anything to do with us. Will not visit the house just in case I am there and told their dad if they want a relationship with them then it’s on their terms. He would have to visit them at his ex wife house or take them out. He met his son a few times and took them out but told them they needed to make effort. They are upset with me for their lifestyle change. They had run of the house, didn’t work, contribute around the house and sadly we’re getting into bad habits like smoking weed. When we set our home up we told them that things have to change and we would expect them to do same as mine children, school or work, tidy up after themselves and no smoking. That was it for them. They thought the changes were all me, that I was ridicules as they had been doing it with their dad. We do not hear from them unless they want money or shower abusive name calling and so much more. It’s extremely stressful and heartbreaking.

          Reply
        • Oh no!! My stepchildren are 12 and 15, our child is 2.5. I honestly keep counting years until his grad/college! So, I guess I’ll cease that countdown….

          Reply
      • This is me!!!
        When my dude and I met his daughter was 9 my boys were 11mo and a yr. everything was great he was able to divide his attention properly and we all had lots of fun. My problem is his ex plays puppeteer in our relationship. She loves my dude as he does her they just know they can’t be together. My dude is able to stay away but she isn’t. She always text him things like “I hate pretending I hate you… know what I mean?” Or “this isn’t who I chose to have a kid with! “ making him feel guilty for defending me or even himself! Now his daughter is 16 and has turned on me lives with us and acts and treats me like her mom does me. My dude always defends his ex and daughter. When his daughter is around he favors her making sure his 16 yr olds feelings don’t get hurt he’ll push away OUR 3 yr old daughter

        Reply
      • I am so happy that I read this! My stepdaughter is 15 and seems to rule the house! She doesn’t have to do chores and if I say anything about it my husband says that I don’t like her. I do sooo much for that child and take her everywhere inuding to the doctor, trips etc. I even drive her back and forth to work in the summer time which is a 40 min trip each way. I get 0 respect and everywhere I take her she complains about it and says it’s stupid. I am so fed up and not sure what to do. I just wish my husband had my back sometimes and not hers all of the time.

        Reply
        • Oh my! No chores, yet constant bc asks irritates me so! I am a different person, raised in a different way, and… my values matter. It’s my home too. Doing simple chores for things we all do is ALL I ask- eat = dishes, create waste = taking trash/recycling/compost out, dirty clothes =wash them- or at leastPut in the laundry basket!!
          Also, I’m a SAHM for our 2.5 yr old do I think it’s expected I do it all since I’m not “ at work/school”. Which cracks me up! Biggest job and life lessons every dang minute! Sigh… thank you for sharing. Venting is so helpful!!

          Reply
      • Girllll, get out that relationship! Sounds like hes not giving you your place, been there same situation, i put a stop to it after 2 years
        I like you dreaded the days she would come here.. dont date somebody with baggage if you dont have any because it will never work

        Reply
      • Run. If that child was your joint child, you wouldn’t allow it?? If you’re not on the same page soon, the child will control him forever. That control is likely from the mother, who has her like a spy to destroy your family and relationship.

        Reply
        • The truth is, it’s not her child. You can’t parent someone who is not your child. But it doesn’t mean you have to leave, it means you need family counseling with a stepfamily therapist..

          Reply
    • I’m following this one. My husband doesn’t agree that his daughter’s choices are disrespectful and actually told me yesterday that it breaks his heart most of the time that he has to correct things he doesn’t see as a problem. Things being having the same set of simple rules for everyone and she being the only one who breaks them consistently for 3 years, example is putting her feet on the chairs, putting her dirty clothes in her own hamper and not her sister’s (I do laundry by the person to keep everyone’s belongings together), etc.

      Reply
      • This is the issue I’m dealing with as well.
        I have a 7 year old stepson that I’ve been living under the same roof now for a little over 2 years… overall he is not a “bad” kid, but he’s quite spoiled and is given far too much power in the house. We have him 50% of the time and thankfully his father is a present father, we don’t have issues stemming from that thank goodness – other than the fact he’s teaching him virtually nothing about manners or life skills.
        Last night another example of what is building up to be a decision for me occurred, and the coles notes version is my wife doesn’t see the issues as issues… that we don’t “see things the same way”. I was in the kitchen doing dishes, junior walks in, whispers something to him mom, (as usual) and I asked him how things were going with the LEGO sets he got for Christmas, asking is he’d finished them – silence.. crickets, not even so much as an acknowledgement that I was speaking – this is common with him as are many other similar interactions.. my wife seems oblivious to all his underdeveloped ways, from please and thank you, table manners, ignoring direct questions, I could go on.. long story short – it’s at the point where I’m getting bad anxiety a day or so before he comes back from his dads place.. it’s not a matter of simply letting my wife teach him life skills and manners – because it’s “whoosh” over her head and when we talk about it, it almost always ends up heated and causes relationship problems/fighting. (partially because my patience have reached a limit – my bad). I’m not sure what to do anymore

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        • I can 100% relate to you on every level!!! Please know that you are not the only one going through this!!! Sometimes I think my step child was raised by a pack of really mean wolves!!!! No lie!!!

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        • I have a few exact same problem. After reading this article I am led to believe that his biological parents are giving him too much power. Every time I ask her son or her daughter to do anything it always turns into a debate. The only thing I can think of is if my wife could just back me up we would get some different results. But of course my delivery is terrible so she spends most of her time in defense mode “protecting” her children from my harsh tone. In my particular situation my tone obviously changes when everything becomes a debate which seems like an easy fix,but her children are entitled to tell me why they aren’t going to do something And I have no backup to enforce any type of structure

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          • I can agree as I deal with the same. The kids control the parents, are spoiled rotten, disrespectful to the father. They are lazy and selfish. So spoiled they can not handle simple things in life. I give up, bent over backwards and never got involved between their co parenting. I love my husband, but it is tuff. The kids are young adults. It is a nightmare.

        • Wow Dave, you are describing my rude 7 year old step child. I’ve been forcing manners on him slowly but it’s annoying. I have two children a little older and I’m annoyed that I’m raising another child that’s not mine because his mom is not present/ trash and my bf works too much. When he is there he tries but he’s oblivious too. My patience has reached the limit too. Wish I could give you advice but I still haven’t figured out how I want to tackle this situation.

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          • WOW. I’m in the same situation. Been married for 10 years and my stepson is 17 now. He’s disrespectful, lazy (he literally does nothing), plays music and TV etc at night so I sleep with ear plugs, he’s never bought my wife or me a xmas or bday present etc etc. My wife is completely oblivious and when I bring anything up she looses it. I have no idea what to do. Last night I decided to not cook him dinner but served my wife and me. I said, why would I do anything for someone who does nothing for me. That went down like a lead balloon. Basically, my marriage is hanging on by a thread. I think my mental health will so much better off without all this stress. Lots of times I’ve considered killing myself as an option. I can’t see things getting better.

          • I am going through the exact same situation but I have 2 step-kids a 5 year old and a 7 year old. Both loves to throw tantrums when they can’t have their own way. I love my husband but he doesn’t seem to want to discipline them because he is afraid of his Ex wife. Both discipline techniques are different.

        • Omg. This is the exact same situation I had with my stepdaughter. My husband finally chose her over me. We are divorcing, after only 6 months of marriage. The stepdaughter rules him.

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        • Hi Dave,

          Please divorce her. If her child cannot even acknowledge you and gets away with that then she clearly doesn’t respect or love you that way you deserve to be loved.

          Get out. And never look back. And please for the love of everything don’t have kids with her.

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        • I came here thinking I could find a way to accept and love my step children who Iv known for 7yrs. But there’s nothing I can read that can teach me to love children that aren’t mine, that has to come naturally. Iv been with my husband for 7yrs my son was 3 when we got together (I was inseminated, so no ex involved) he has 2 children from a precious marriage (6&7 at the time now 14&15). He has raised my son as his own and my son knows him as his father and we have two children together. Unfortunately I could never get that connection with his two children, I tried but every weekend I dread them coming over they’re being raise very differently than how I been raising my children. Iv been dealing with rude-disrepectful behavior from them and their mother and Iv reached a point in my life where I just want out of this situation the problem is I love my husband I just wish I could have him to myself and our children without his baggage but that’s not going to happen. I’m scared of divorce is counseling even going to help?

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          • I’m trying the counseling for the same situation right now for myself. Once I get my peace, I’ll let him know we can try together. I hope that will work, because he’s threatening divorce instead of helping me and his son thru this period. I wish you the best of luck.

      • Tammy reading your post made me do a double take. It was like you were in our home as I deal with the same issue with my husband’s youngest. I have tried everything but nothing works. I don’t know how to deal with the utter hatred and resentment I now have toward his daughter.

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        • Tammi and Jen, same here! I met my husband when he had minimal days with his then 8 yr old daughter, fast forward 4 yrs and her mom has abandoned her. after my husband got full custody of her at age 10, we married and I accepted a 100% responsibility with him. Now she is 12 almost 13, taller and bigger than me and she flat out told us both she didn’t want a mother or stepmom and that she was only going to listen to her dad. He thinks most things she does and says is “just being a kid” I laugh because she obviously knows how to get us to fight. Is there any hope? I have grown kids and don’t remember them ever being as rude as she is. But also, my bio kids loved me even when I was barking orders! Is it worth it?

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          • I understand completely!! My stepsons mom kicked him out of her house and legit sat all his stuff on the driveway at 10 years old. I took all responsibility of him . He has Tourettes syndrome. And over the past four years we’ve dedicated to helping him cope and heal. Everyone and everything was finally starting to look up. We got no child support. Infact we had to still pay her the 12000 in arrears she slapped him with in their divorce. Witch was totally unfair . I have 3 kids of my own. We got together in April of 2017. Come August that year he got full custody of him. I moved in to help him because of his son’s special needs and we became a blended family. It was going good. Even helped him establish a new relationship with his mom. A new beginning. I quit my job that I had for years to take on the full time mom role.. I homeschooled him and my other kids . Dedicated my life.to their education and everything in-between.. Now it’s 2021. I cannot tell you what a night mare this past year has been his Tourettes got worse.. we traveled across state for help every 9 weeks. We have went above and beyond to help him . Show him we love him. And support him… April of this year he’s went full on teenage mode and decided I’m taking dad away from him… We’re ( me and other kids) are not his blood and not worthy. he started smoking. ( Found out that’s what triggered his bad episode with Tourettes) stealing from us. Breaking in our locked bedroom at night. Seen all my glory . His dad went off!!! Consiquences were laid out and enforced. Then here comes mommy… He’s human not a prisoner.. he has a voice.. he is innocent.. he’s just a child.. she victimized the hell out of him. He’s far from that. He’s a rebellious teen.. so.. he moved back into moms.durring the school year in April. . she called the headmaster at his academy and told them I was holding his books hostage. I never helped him. I kept him a prisoner in our home. ( Headmaster knew was a.lie because he has been in close contact with me over his education plan. ) that was his first conversation with his mom ever. Then my step son tells my husband he hates me. That’s why he moved back in with his mom. That’s why he acted out. And I only homeschooled the other kids ( my bio kids) not him…. I have a camera in my classroom. I have a filing cabinet filled with landons completed work and automatic grades on his tablet . His lie was busted. His dad has access to all even the Camera. My husband is not blaming me. He understands him. But now it’s gotten to the point he is disrupting family events. He demands if he’s there.im not to be . On father’s day was a horrible day for my husband. My other kids father’s. ( My twins dad is deceased. And my oldest son’s father is in prison. ) My husband is only father my twins have ever known. And my oldest son’s only father figure. My step son demanded his dad to himself. My husband caved this time because he hadn’t seen him in weeks . But what do I do???!!! I feel horrible.. I am HEARTBROKEN!!! I FEEL BETRAYED. I FEEL ANGRY.. IM HURT!!! IM HURT FOR MY FAMILY AND MY HUSBAND. WHY IS HE BEING LIKE THIS AFTER ALL THE YEARS WITH NO ISSUES!!!!! I TREAT HIM NO DIFFERENT. I DO NOT AND NEVER HAVE DISCIPLINE HIM. LET HIS DAD DO IT. WHAT HAS HAPPENED.??? I love my husband. I love my family. I finally got a life. And a good man! He’s such a sweet ,hardworking ,caring, good man. All he wants is to work . Come home to his family and be happy. Why is this happening now. I expected it in the beginning. But 4 years ?! We even discussed how it would make them all feel if we got married and got their blessings before we did. All were happy about it. I’m just hurt. Sooo hurt. I feel like I’ve lost my kid!!and loosing my mind. I don’t want to loose my marriage too.. the other kids are heartbroken. I don’t know how to fix it for all?!

        • I am so sorry any of us are even here having to read this article. When I started a relationship with my husband my children accepted him and treat him with love and respect. His children treat me with hatred and make up horrible lies about me. Their mother plays a huge role in it and encourages the behavior. My husband defends his children and I had a huge blow up with his adult child a month ago. I don’t know why I am staying in this abusive marriage but I do know that it is not my fault or your fault and as adults we are supposed to teach our children how to love and respect others. He is not doing this and I hate my step children. I never want to be home when they are there. When do we say enough is enough and move on? Or do we just stay and fight to the end to make this marriage last?

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      • I have a 21 year old and 18 year step sons. Their father sees nothing wrong with them not picking up after themselves, not getting a drivers license, going to school or having a full time job. Also, their father expects me to to take them to work on the weekends while he is at work. I was ok with it in the bringing providing they started working on the driver’s license and helping around the house. This hasn’t happened and it won’t. At least we haven’t gotten married yet, doubt we will.

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        • I am a family man with 9 biological kids and 16 grands. I have a 24yr old step daughter, a 20yr old step son and a 15yr old step daughter..I have been in this relationship since 2009, over 12yrs. My wife has never set boundaries or really encouraged these kids to respect me. She’s always passive and I’m always the one that’s wrong. She has allowed all 3 to constantly disrespect me she doesn’t see anything wrong with the way they talk to me. In May my 15yr old step daughter punched me in my face 3 times while my wife egged it on. I simply ask my daughter to leave my room while my wife and I talked. My wife says” well it’s my room too; she’s protecting me. She won’t knock when my room door is closed and I have expressed this for years. Boundaries boundaries. I dropped the charges and nothings change. My 20yr old step son has sticky fingers. He steals family members phones or devices. He takes his mom’s car with no license. My wife’s response is “well at least he brought it back in one piece “. He lost a good job in which I struggled to take him to work weekly. He got fired for stealing lottery tickets. I got him a job at a place I work and he tampered with the test swab. He was disqualified for hire and my name was on the line. My wife hides her keys because if he doesn’t get a ride where he wants to go. He will take the car..I ask him and my wife not to let him drive without license and barely any driving experience. I pay the insurance and just had got my rates down. My wife kept asking him to drive displayed the lack of respect my wife has as well. My step son has also got in my space and tried to get physical as my wife again eggs it own. My 24 yr old step daughter was the same way. She’s cursed me out and threw money at me because I ask for her $30 payment on her iPhone I bought her for her 16th birthday. My step daughter was so defiant about cleaning or just minor chores that went days without being done. Now she’s pregnant from a guy that has 2 kids and he hides his relationship and my step daughter’s pregnancy from his other kids mom. She is a young step mom and no marriage is in the forecast. I can go on and on but whoever reads this know one thing. Blended families destroy marriages if the biological parent doesn’t take charge initially and immediately, it probably will end in divorce. My first marriage I was young (22) and I have 7 boys from that union for 23yrs. I was young but I never had these problems when the kids were my blood. I’ve never put my hands on any of these kids. I never touched my step daughter’s or step son inappropriately. Nothing but love..my wife was in a 10 yr relationship with their dad and he was very abusive. My wife’s behavior is a woman that was scorned. I feel like I’m paying for that now and this is the trauma the kids went thru as well. She is so busy telling me what’s wrong with my life, she just won’t attempt to see herself. This has destroyed my marriage. I caught a case after being clean for 30yrs. I have my own pressure cleaning business business, retired at 52 after 20yrs service at Publix and I’ve been at Lowe’s 3yrs. I very solid loving and I have loved protected and fed her kids for over 12 years. The father didn’t want anything to do with them. He would promise them things. He never was around for important days. He never acknowledged their birthdays or achievements. I have tried so hard to make it work. I’m filing a divorce as we speak.
          SORRY FOR THE LONG BIBLE LIKE BIO…if that biological parents doesn’t team up with you the step parent and not let minors dictate the relationship or even voice suggestions or opinions…then you don’t stand a chance step parent. RUN FOR THE HILLS. Don’t waste another moment as I wasted 12yrs but I never signed up or knew I signed up for all the growing pains that come with it. I threw in the towel.

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          • I’m sorry to hear that you wasted 12yrs of your life with a group of ppl who didn’t grow to appreciate and respect Yu as the man of the home. But you can leave knowing Yu did your best and now Yu are walking away because you know your limits and deserve to be happy. I wish Yu the best Eric.

      • hi, sorry to interrupt. I have had this problem with 46 year old daughter living in house bulling both of us (his daughter.) After trying hard for 5 years plus nothing changed so I moved out. Can’t live with man who has taken vows and never stands for wife. He has prenup and still can’t ask the daughter to move and give us some memorable times as wife and husband and not a baby sister. His explanation was “ I thought she would leave voluntarily which never happened.

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        • I feel for you RDB as I’m at a point where I had to move out of our home and living in a hotel! My step daughter moved back in 3 years ago after her relationship ended with her bf.
          Since then my once happy marriage has been torn apart like a pack of hyenas in the dark.
          She suffers from anxiety and depression; which I can appreciate as I had to deal with depression when my father had it and have tried to be supportive, but sometimes and it pains for me to say this, I feel she uses it as a trump card for when she wants to get her way!
          My wife doesn’t see that, and says that I don’t understand,when in fact I do and know all too well how ug you can become when a parent or child uses that to pull on your heart strings!
          I am now at a point where I love my wife so much but cannot stand to be near her or in the same house as her daughter!
          My own personal health has taken a major dive and where I was a once happy vibrant man I am broken,and constantly crying!
          My friends say it’s time for me to get out for my own good, but my heart that loves the best friend I have ever had and a wife I was building a good life with has decided to put her daughter first, is torturing me with guilt that I haven’t done enough and am no good as a husband! I feel cheated !!!

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  1. My step children put stuff in my food and are just horrible. Very very horrible. I have tried to give them all the love but they always do their worse. I have been thinking about leaving the marriage because of them and to protect my children too. All that you stated above I have done them over and over again. Their father mostly sides with them on issues and that causes problems in our relationship. Their mother is no more and I accepted them 6 years ago. They are now 14 and 17 years. I can’t stand their hypocrisy and evil acts anymore. I take to prayer these days and hope for a brighter day. Thanks

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      • Yeah my stepdaughters do the same. I drink a different milk and it’s been laced with salt. Once was so heavy I noticed but god knows how many times i used the milk an didn’t know what was in it. Husband said nothing he could say or do as didn’t know which one of the three did it.
        They have called me names to my face, ignored me, rude daily. Blaming there dad for them having their worst life and how they are heartbroken because I’m there. (Their mum gave them away to be with her boyfriend) when it is good between my husband and myself it kicks off in the house and I feel it is deliberate as they see us happy & joking they want to destroy our marriage/me!

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    • You are on the right path with prayer. You need to catch them doing something and have the ability to PROVE IT to your husband in front of the children and ask what was happening during that moment. Allow everyone to respond and let them know how they sound to you. You need to reverse the entire situation in a verbal analogy and then ask how they would feel/how they would react if it were happening to them! The response will generally end the behavior.

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    • Completely understand!15 years later, 31 and 28 stepdaughter and stepson, very manipulative and make him feel guilty for his past. They both are selfish and drama. His daughter is all about money, 31 and still asking for help to pay rent. I also have a 31 year old daughter that doesn’t ask for a dime!! Wtf! Please! Help me where am I wrong???

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      • You need to leave. No matter what you do or how you feel will not change the situation. Leave if you want to be happy. If you stay you will be miserable.

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      • His daughter get this, all paid for graduated from ucsd. She took a young kids teaching job, like everyone knows is low pay. She complains and quite and did not work and then when my husband was about to buy a house with me. She dares to tell him that she is going to graduate school and he has to pay for everything nearly $2000 per month. Then she dares again asking my husband to pay for rent $1300 per month. as soon as she left, my husband was angry that his own daughter asking for rent when he will be paying so much for school for her. Other than that my husband defends his daughter all the time. His daughter and his son, are immature and needy. I think you raised a good daughter. Men don’t care, they don’t want to raise any issues. Their kids are angels and their kids only know how to manipulate. They think is all about them. They are incapable to live on their own and pay anything on their own.

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        • God I have the same issues. I do not have any answers
          99% of the time I do not get involved…but after my ears I sometimes make a comment. You will never win!!!

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        • I have to agree with you on that! Last night my husband was going to start a fight saying I started a war! Our marriage was perfectly fine before his teenage daughter moved in with us. He will always think she’s an angel. When they both ganged up on me. I kicked her out back to her mom’s. My husband still blames me for everything. I do believe the partner can be very selfish.

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          • Hi,
            Don’t know where to start!! Totally exhausted, and starting to think, this marriage is doomed!! My husband and I have both got 2 children each to previous marriages, mine 27 and 22yrs, his 17 and 14.
            My children s dad moved away to another country and had little to no input in there upbringing, so all discipline was left to me / us, he’s has his say too.
            His children live with there mother in the same town, we have for the last 12 yrs seen both his children almost every weekend, until last yr, Covid played into there mother’s hands. His daughter was also a Saturday girl in my business, Mam didn’t want this and discouraged it. After 5 mths working, 5 times the mother asked me to change her working day / times. After the final time, I messaged her and let her go. This was also agreed with dad.
            So we didn’t see her from July till Christmas Eve ( wonder why) ?? Nothing was said about said sacking at any time since,
            Our two daughters confide in each other which is brilliant, over the weekend I could see my daughter was upset, I asked her if everything was ok m, she’s told me my step daughter is in a serious situation with strange boys, in cars! staying out late ! Drinking! Education going downhill!! The list is endless.
            I then told dad who was extremely upset and angry, I suggested we talk to Mam away from children, she then invited us to do this together, we did !!
            However after me being the only calm one, Mam almost turned the child’s behaviour into an good experience. Then turned it into All my fault, the children don’t have a relationship with dad anymore all because I sacked her. Her Mam says to the daughter in front of us , “and you want that in your life” I then say after this don’t think about coming to our home again, I will not be disrespected, by a 17 yr old. Dad now says I shouldn’t of said that, so I sent message apologising, and that I’ll stay out of house while she sees ger dad.
            Got no response!!
            Honestly iv never bad mouthed there Mam, always told dad if I thought he’d disciplined too hard. Helped with education/ exams! Feel like giving up !!
            Sorry for the longest rant, please advise

      • Oh goodness…it doesn’t stop once they’re adults?! This is very disheartening. It doesn’t seem worth the fight and it doesn’t seem fair to any kids from the new marriage.

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    • I have the same situation. His kids are 28 and 35. O get called racist names, and other horrible names and my husband does nothing about it. They steal from the family business, they have several other unethical behaviors which caused us to lose thousands of dollars a month. Christmas was very complicated as we had to do separate Christmas’. He left the house for a few hours so my kids would come over, and I did the same when his kids came over. At first, I took everyone on expensive vacations, did all the gift buying, helped with engagement parties and through the best bday parties. All for not. My husband never a told up for me when his kids did wrong. He sides with them because they work for the family business. I have now chosen to eliminate them from my life. Not sure is this is sustainable.

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    • Oh god no please why are they allowed to treat you so bad my heart goes out to you. I caught a glimpse of the youngest child’s phone with a photo of me he had taken, he was showing his brother and laughing, I know that he will take this to his useless mum to poke fun at. My confidence is low, my relationship is suffering, should’ve got married last year but due to Covid it will be next year. I had a terrible relationship that I left I do not want to waste the latter part of my life unhappy because of someone else’s actions I have no control over IN MY OWN HOME. Any advice please

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  2. All this makes sense, but I have done all of the above and things went really well for a while. Now my 14-year stepdaughter is treating me like a second class citizen. She is never openly rude, but is very mechanical in her hellos and thank yous and nothing beyond that. She never reciprocates when I suggest something. I do make sure to take an interest by asking her questions about her interests and friends, I take her to see movies, I have helped her with her homework etc. I believe she is currently testing the waters, but also enjoying the fact that her behaviour clearly saddens me. It is extremely frustrating and I feel like a stranger in my own home when she is around. I also feel that my husband is not dealing with the situation in a good way. He keeps defending her when she is obviously trying to be hurtful.

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    • I think I wrote that post Natasha!! EXACTLY the same thing except my stepdaughter is 17, she is incessantly complaining about me to her Dad but he never tells me anything so I’m left wondering what’s wrong because I can literally FEEL the animosity and the tension around here. Such a long story but currently, I asked them both to leave my home, she is beyond disrespectful, I caught her telling her friends some extremely UNTRUE nasty things about me, explaining how she was going to “get rid of me” and the list goes on. He is a pushover to an extreme I never knew was possible. She throws a tantrum, starts cussing and screaming at her Dad and made him actually cry!!!! Twice!!!! His reaction to the rude, inconsiderate, obnoxious, ungrateful and disrespectful daughter??? Buy her a hamster!!!!! THAT will SURELY correct the behavior! NOT. It’s been about 5 weeks and he so badly wants to come home but she refused to “let” him move back in because she said she’d never come back and would runaway first or stay with her Aunt. When she discovered we ARE still together even though no longer living together, she lost it. She drives his train. “LET” – WTF???????? Now she graduated to if he EVER even SPEAKS to me she said she’d cut him out of her life forever. He’s devastated. So am I. I have dug deep and thought hard to figure out what I may have done or said and I come up with zero. For the last three years both he and I have walked on eggshells so not to “bother” her. I would make a wide path around her. We can’t upset the Queen after all. So the last episode that made him cry and he stood there and took it I finally realized how dysfunctional their relationship is. He IS still speaking with me because we are still together and he’s here at the house every night (only for the last week or so) so maybe, just maybe, he finally took a little action and addressed a small portion of her behavior. We were going to sell the house and then buy separate houses but the more I thought about it, I’m think NO. NO we are not selling. This house was an investment we made together and I have a lot more money invested on every level – I pay the majority of the mortgage each month, put over TWICE as much down to buy ($250k) – cost to move to a strange city I don’t care for AT ALL and how zero family anywhere in sight for the happy tune of $12k. And if either of them think I’m going to risk even a single penny in this investment they are mistaken. He cannot sell with out my permission since we have a Joint Tenancy with Rights of Survivorship. No way I’m paying $12k AGAIN to move BACK to where I came from! I JUST did that 3 years ago when we bought the house and I’ll be damned if I’m going to be forced to do exactly that (and then some – starting new services, utilities hook ups etc) not to mention the fact that I’m on a fixed income and even though I have some money saved (most of it is in THIS house) there’s NO WAY I would get a mortgage or at least not one that can “grow” my money and work for me as it does here. It would be a dump or I’d have to RENT somewhere which 1. That’s just a total waste of money and I might as well throw lighter fluid on it and watch it burn and 2. I have a beautiful perfectly good home right here that makes me money every time I make a mortgage payment. I made tons of sacrifices to be here – I mentioned the move to a city I hate but I also bought in her school district (btw I never had children with my late husband so this was completely foreign to me) drove her to school everyday for 2.5 years until she got her license to drive, and other smaller sacrifices (not trying to sound like the “hero” that have her entire life away!) I’m staying put where my financial future is 99% safe and secure. He’ll end up moving back in and she is welcome to do so as well but not without trying everything to break us up. I’m not going to allow a 17 year old to throw a tantrum and have it cost me thousands and thousands of dollars. She’s unreasonable and over the top selfish and could care less of her Dad is all alone and unhappy as long as she gets what SHE wants. To hell with what Dad wants. It’s almost painful to watch her do this to her Dad and I wish he’d put his foot down a long time ago and addressed the issues when they first began to rear their ugly heads. He never addressed my concerns about her behavior and clearly he never told me what HER issues were so nothing was communicated – I’ve never (nor would I) told him that he had to pick me or her or it’s over. I never backed him into a corner and made him choose.
      As a matter of fact I even suggested years ago that they pick a day or two just for the two of them to have a Dad/Daughter only time. I ENCOURAGED that / it was MY idea!!!!! I’d never even consider giving him the ultimate ultimatum- but she has. So I’m not jealous of their time spent without me, I think they NEED that time. Going to her club volleyball games – just them although sometimes I’d tag along if the game was out of state. I’ve never “hovered” and the one time I by passed him and went straight to her about her behavior I was later informed that I wasn’t “allowed” to talk to her “like that” when I’d never even raised my voice to her although that’s exactly what she needed. I went against my instincts and kept quiet. I was left with ZERO power in my own home. This is too long to keep texting but there’s one more thing that haunted me and just really pisses me off –
      So we’re going to San Diego for club volleyball and listen to music and comedians (XM radio) having a good time and some laughs. All of a sudden something cracked me up and I started laughing so hard and for whatever reason (I think she couldn’t hear over my laughing) she SCREAMS out loud “SHUT UP!!!!!!” I was laughing to much. They should send me to the gallows for that. How DARE I laugh. I’m horrible. There were times at the dinner table I’d laugh and she’d roll her eyes or once again “tell” me to stop laughing. Like I said I could probably type/text a novel. But that’s what I’ve been dealing with and no matter how hard I tried (not by pushing myself on her either in any way, shape or form.) It only continued and worsened. Dysfunctional, manipulative, deceitful narcissist at 17. She needs therapy, so does he and after all this I probably do as well. But she DEFINITELY does. Emotionally unstable. I started sleeping with the bedroom door locked in case she lost her mind and tried to “do” something since her friends are a little sketchy, some shadier than others and since I don’t really know them, has anyone ever watched the TV show “K*ller Kids” ???? Apparently I watch it too much! Or do I??

      Reply
      • I feel for you so much. Reading this made me tear up for you… no one deserves to be treated that way. I know exactly how it feels to be in your position… I’m in the same situation with my step son. He’s only 9 but he’s a manipulative, deceitful little sh*t. Excuse my French but I feel like this is a safe place to vent. He was throwing a tantrum today because I was getting on him about being a jerk to his little sister (my bio daughter with his dad) and of course his dad just stops the discipline and moves in to comfort him. There was a moment where my step son and I looked at each other and he gave me the look like “yeah b*tch. See? I have my dad wrapped around my finger” which he has actually said before. It’s sickening to watch my husband be treated like garbage by his 9 year old. My husband does everything for him and treats him like the golden child… tonight, my husband brought home a toy for my step son and he actually CRIED BECAUSE IT WASNT THE TOY HE WANTED!!! He is so spoiled and entitled. I told my husband tonight that it ends NOW. My step son is going to his moms for a few days and when he gets back he is not going to have any of his luxuries… I guess the saying is true, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone and he’s about to find out what it’s like to not have any of the things he enjoys here like his PS4, his tablet, his dad’s phone, etc. I am DONE. And I will not tolerate the abuse to our bio kids… he’s mentally unstable and I’ve also started sleeping with the bedroom door locked. I actually woke up to him standing over my bed a while ago at like 4 am… he was standing there and when he saw I was awake, he started growling and he said to me, through gritted teeth, “where is my dad and why isn’t he sleeping with me”. Definitely gave me some creepy vibes… like he could just snap one day and kill us all. He has a lot of rage inside of him. I’m just at a loss as to what to do… I’m afraid my only option is to do what you did but it’s just so hard because we have two babies together. Ugh 🙁 anyways, I just wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone. If you want to talk, my email is Mariana.price62 at gmail.com… sometimes it’s nice to have someone to vent to that’s not directly a part of the situation, you know?

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        • Seriously!? Are you living my life right now?? My oldest s.s. has done the same thing but to our other children in the night! He has hurt the other kids mutiple times and has threatened that if I didn’t give him his way and not correct him that he was going to destroy everything I love and care about, which his little brother age 5 and my two kids are who he has aimed for! He expects me to be his servant and treat him like an emperor, he is 14 this year and he is still psychologically harming me everyday. I was such a happy upbeat lively person, always positive and joking around, I Always thought children are naturally loving, and just want to be loved? He proved me wrong.. He even told his dad and me to our face that as soon as he is able to force the other children out of the house he will come back and it will just be him and us as his parents. He is constantly doing things to keep all attention on him 24/7 including standign over the other kids in the night so I am always up around the clock and exhausted. He told that if I wanted it to end then I should leave, if not it will continue, I’m sorry but a child never deserves that much power over and adult! he even told me the horrible things he has done to other children that his dad had dated years before me just to make the mothers pack up and leave, I stood my ground and told him take your best shot becuase I will not be ran off by a kid ever, and I will never surrender superiority of an adult to a child and become enslaved, I still suffer because this is a battle of wills and good vs evil, and if I give in he will win and that’s not an option because he will damage everyone regardless if I stay or leave, he wins both ways and his little brother will forever suffer with the trauma that me his mom because he was an infant and I’m the only mother knows he will suffer the trauma of why did mommy abandon me, *Cries* . Can I email you as well? We all need to support eachother because I don’t understand how the laws have changed so much since we were kids? Us as kids knew our place and never ruled an adult and now children everywhere have more power and decision and authority over an adult, it’s so very sad.

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      • I have been in a very similar situation. Me and my husband had been together 9 years, he had 3 children and I had 1 when we met. We got married very quickly, and everything seemed fine, his children stayed with us every other weekend, we went on to have 3 more children together, very busy house when all the kids were here. So into the 9th year of being together, his now 14 year old daughter (the oldest of all the children) came to live with us full time cos of problems at home, not getting on with her mum and step dad. Things seemed ok at first, and I remember my husband said to me to be more of a parent than a friend to her, so I did and that’s went it all went downhill, I grounded her cos of her being disrespectful and she kicked off calling me a fat s**g in the street, punching mirrors while my other kids were eating dinner. I told my husband she couldn’t stay any longer she needed to go back to her mums ( it was only meant to be a few months stay to give them a break from each other) my stepdaughter then said to my husband that she wanted nothin to do with him if he stayed with me. So to cut to the chase, I refused to have her living in our home as she had no respect for me or the rules our kids lived by, so he chose to go and find a place to live with her. That happened, they got a house and then at Xmas she went and stayed with her mum on Xmas eve leavin my husband alone after everything he did for her and her wishes, I did offer for him to stay with us but he declined. I do still love him and want to be with him but he says no and I no it’s because of his daughter and she wouldn’t like it. It makes me so angry that he let a child dictate his future and he left his other kids without a thought

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        • I feel so sorry for you. I have 3 stepkids of 20, 18 and 16 years old and they are nightmare. I have the same situation with my oldest stepdaughter, she could go on with her mum and stepdad so she came to live with us when she was 14 and all the family dynamics changed for the worst as she could not get on with me either. One night that I was alone with her she got very angry and hated me badly and I had to phone the police. Since that moment she hates me and put her sister and brother against me and eve her mum and my husband. It got so bad that I thought of divorcing my husband at the time. The real nightmare came when my stepkids mom died 4 years ago and the 3 of them came to live with us. Now after a long time with family therapy things are a bit quieter, also because my oldest stepdaughter moved out with her boyfriend. Still have some problems with the other 2 but is more manageable.

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        • this is so sad. your man has no backbone to fight for you. i do believe wife should always be the first priority. forget him. he wont leave his daughter. just focus now with your own life, way more peaceful. God bless

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        • Ugh. Sometimes it seems one is just screwed from the start. My heart GOES OUT to all of you. Sounds like you’ve had a completely worse situation than me. But it’s still the same narrative. I’ll try and keep this non-rambling, lol. My wife and best friend for over ten years? She has PTSD from HER step-dad. She got married to get away from home at 17. She was married for 8 years and they fell out of love pretty fast. They had two daughters. HE has been mostly on time with the child support; I have been their Dad in their lives since they were not even in school yet. My wife and I have had a very wild and passionate life together. We’ve also had bad fights; caused by poverty (we both left our ‘bread winning’ spouses and ran away together; and then we’ve had to be living apart sometimes involuntarily—for the kids–until we started a new life altogether–once we got ‘stable’). And throw in mental illness and conditions (PTSD, Asperger’s; Bi-Polar…alcoholism…) and health problems (Hepatits-C—now cured—but I have cirrhsois from being a druggie in my 20s…before my family). We all made a big move right before Covid started because of the healthcare is better where her mother lives. ANYways—I had some near death scrapes over the past year. I’ve been okay relatively (i had meds for my mental issues NOW and sleep problems). I had some bad times and later ON when I was getting treated (quit drinking, etc.)….the family was really close and I was happy to have another ten years to be with them….SORRY FOR THE LONG INTRO: My youngest started cutting herself and starving herself. She cut all her hair off and seemed to be going through the 14 heavy. She’s always been very ‘hyper sensitive’. She went off to her cousins to get a change of scenery (no body’s fighting in the house this year)….that GOES bad. My wife has to drive hours to get get her; my disability hasn’t started yet…we have been desperate for money. So she starts door dashing to try and make things get going (we were sharing a three bedroom house with one bathroom with their .grandmother). My daughters both have therapy (the youngest has social anxiety issues–she wants to get a job and she wants to overcome it). SOMEHOW—in a bid to NOT have to send my youngest somewhere (cos he weight got down below three digits!); she moved in with my wife’s ‘friend’. NOW she won’t come home…and my other daughter started staying there….and my wife kept it a secret that they were MAD AT ME now? NOW SHE stays over there mostly. I’m dying. I spent my 40th birthday alone. I got dumped by family by text message the day BEFORE my birthday. And when I dared say anything? I GOT MY HEART broken by two little girls. Suffice to say they told me I ‘did this to myself…and I have NO RIGHT, etc.” My wife HAS always been guilted by them. BUT NOW? I’m living with their grandmother? ANd she wants me gone cos she’s mad they’re NOT HERE…but she’s also a problem for them. My wife has ‘feelings’ for this other person, too. We’ve ‘played around before in the past—another sin I’m FULLY blamed and resented for..years later. My whole problem is that I know I’m not faultless at all. In fact being in a coma in the hopsital and losing two liters of blood…changed everything about how I carry myself. And yet..I’ve realized my own reltionship with my own father was a sham recently. He has money. He doesn’t want me back even knowing what’s going on. I’m doing my best to try and NOT make things worse. I really have no choice. At the very best; my wife will still continue to take care of me (coming by; checking on me; we’ve always been SO CLOSE like soulmates? Best friends? The love is still there; but the fact that SHE and they are all suddenly HAPPY with their new lives…I don’t know what kind of future I can expect to have. It’s just gutting. I love my kids and now I feel like I NEVER had them. We were all so close. I never HIT THEM or their mother. She did the spankings, groudings. It sucks. Their feelings are being reinforced by some therapist that doesnt’ know me. A family therapy thing would be fair…but NO one is open to that. It’s been a bloody awful month. Thank you for letting me vent. I’ve been reading alot of stories. My heart goes out to all of you and your families. God bless.

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      • Sounds like my step kid but she’s only 9 but has her mom so brainwashed..they moved out cuz of something that happened with my son and my gf calls me and says ..all I want to do is go home but my child
        Doesn’t she said she never wants
        To go back to my house ..my gf feels so torn ..I’ve never asked her to choose but I feel like I have to choose for her because if you can’t make it through this and correct ur daughter ..imagine when she’s 15 or 17 ..it’s just going to get worse ..as hard as it is sometimes letting go is what’s needs to be done

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      • I am sad for you I am not married but in a 3.5 year relationship with someone who has two kids one is 14 and whenever she decides I’ve been around to much she tells him and he shuts me and my daughter out. We get invited to things then uninvited over and over and when I adresss jt he says be patient she needs time seems
        The more he allows this to continue the worse jt will get I am devistated

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      • Remember you are the step parent, you have not right to tell her what to do or disciplining her. She is 17 and didn’t ask for you to be in her life. But this doesn’t excuse the behavior. If you feel the animosity she can most likely feel how much you hate her. It’s not enough to just drive her Tom school or provide a roof over her head, if the only time you have a meaningful conversation is when you are telling her something or trying to parent you need to take a step back and try to make a friendship…forget she’s ur stepchild and try to be her friend because she’s out of the house and it sounds like she is too important to her father to not be in his life

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      • I feel so deeply for you. My SD is just smart enough to not come o and say these things but her behavior implies what she prefers. Each moment she’s closer to her goal even if it’s subconsciously present. She want she’d father all to herself and wants me out of the picture. Reading everyone’s post I know what I have to do. I have to leave. I’ll probably opt to stay single until the kid we have together is well into adulthood. I guess having a family, happy marriage, and reciprocated love was never in the cards for me. I don’t want my child to grow up with a step-father and I don’t want to marry anyone with kids ever again. My soul, self esteem, self worth, and dreams have been destroyed trying to bend over backwards to make my marriage work.

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      • I am so sorry, you need to leave. The relationship is out of order. God first then the spouse and then children. It won’t work when it is out of God’s will. If he can’t have the courage to be the man and hold his daughter accountable then you will always be miserable. There is a better way to live and a better man for you out there.

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        • I agree. My fiancee always sticks up for his rude as grown daughter. Its almost 2 years now!!! Sick of it. She does t need to like me just respect me. Calls me “that woman” and thinks its ok!!!. Told him tired of being 2nd place!!! Acts like he is scared of her!!!!)

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          • I have same problem. My stepson is 17 doesn’t talk to anyone makes mess in whole house worse than a toddler. Doesn’t clean up his own room. Takes £800 pocket money a month. Mess in his room is extreme. Problem is that I have to clean that. He doesn’t respect me and his dad. He made my life living hell for 2-3 years.fake police complains. Coz me and my husband were having dinner outside and he called police and said that we left him alone at home. Coz he was 13 that time. His father never asked a question about that. He can do whatever he wants and gets away with it coz my husband always defends him. He never took my side. Even though I did so much for his kids tried my best to make them my own. M sick and tired of this. It’s Been 5 years. I think I can’t take this anymore. I have my own daughter and I don’t want her to get affected by this chaos. Surprise thing is my husband said I will still keep my relationship with my son. I know what that means. It means he can haunt my life forever.

  3. I love reading these articles and comments so that I know I’m not alone. But a lot of these things are easier said than done. Especially when you’ve tried everything and nothing changes. I’m only a year and a half into my marriage and I’m ready to call it quits. My husband has full custody of his daughter, but he works everyday so that leaves me with a lying, Manipulative, disrespectful child all day and I just don’t k it how much more I can take.

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    • I think we live in the same house!!! My SD started all this by screaming at her that I was ALWAYS home! As if I shouldn’t be in my own home for certain periods of time so she has it to herself. No joke.

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    • Same!!! I just tried to take my 15 yr old step sons phone from him and he kicked me to the ground. He doesn’t listen to anything I say and his Dad feels bad for him! No punishment ever for anything. He is failing out of grade 11 and I seem to be the only one that cares! My younger two children have to follow the rules so how do I make the stepson follow the same rules when he can over power me and doesn’t listen, hates me and I’m alone all day with him. I’m scared he’s going to do something to me when I’m sleeping

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  4. I’ve been married for 20 years and he has two grown children and they have kids one day she came over and and ask us if we would do the holiday with her mom well we did she told us if for any reason we needed to change it back it would not be a problem will after doing that for 2 years the dad was very uncomfortable so I text her and ask her to come over we needed to talk so when she came her dad could not tell her to change the holiday back so I told her and it was pay back time when his birthday came she did a party for him and I was not included but for 15 years she use to text me and include me so for 5 years things has been really bad the only thing I can come up with is they want me out of the picture I guess so there mom can step in and when her mom got married she would not let her child go stay the night so her mom is not married now

    Reply
    • I have found that the best way to solve these situations is to play role reversal or give a verbal reversal! It generally works well, but it takes a bit of time to get the “adult Children” to accept the idea coming from you. If you let the children know that they are members of a family, not a marriage, they will be angry, but understanding! This works for adult children only.

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  5. I have two grown SKs (early & late 20s) and my spouse still babies them. So much so, the younger one has never had any chores, only works and assists my spouse whenever he feels like it and is at a stopping point on the video games as they “cannot be pause.” The older SK has moved out, does not speak to me when passing my room yet has alarm code and house key to come at free will. You guessed it, my spouse does not address either.

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    • I’ve been married to my wife and her son, twenty one years old man who never has done anything around are house. Living in his room like a pig, sleeping all day long and staying out until morning. My wife does everything for him till this day, and I’m trying every day to make her happy getting chores and updating are house. He depends on her to a physical and mentality pressure, but I’m always blamed on laziness like him lol. His father has ruined my relationship with her son, brainwashed by his money and never provided nothing for first day’s school, all his life. My wife and I have provided the best of everything for him, but my wife says that she bought him everything herself, but I’m never getting any credit for all of the years, with joint banking provided paychecks that I never cared about. Just so all the bills were paid! Income tax time was a race for using my stepsons SSI number with my taxes, but my wife’s ex boyfriend claimed her son and was always living with us! Talk about how sick a father can get money from his own son, and literally not even buy anything that he needed. It’s been how many Christmas years, and got my stepson nothing! But getting his other two children presents, and on drugs for years now. But I’m never going to get any thanks, just feel like a meal ticket because his father’s mental abuse talked to his son, that I’m a homewrecker blaming me for his pathetic life. Literally the devil of using his own son to get money from us. One thing that I have caused by mistake, I told my stepson the truth 110% all of his life, and I just can’t hold it in my head that he was being lied to, and then promised things all his life. Constant letting down his son. But I’m the bad stepfather who was always there for him, and I thought I’d never want his son to like me more than his father, well that bit me in the a$$. Yes I’m told to never talk about someone’s father, but this is one sick man who took every dime from his own son, that needed to hide his money behind stuff, at his father’s house! Because his father was constantly taking his money. I’m not perfect in any way, but I’m one loyal and honest husband who has provided everything for my wife and stepson. You will never be appreciated by providing your support, like I’ve wasted nineteen years putting up with this nightmare. You’re always going to be the black sheep, but God knows that I’ve stepped up to help my wife, raising her son. All these years of mental abuse, hes finally seeing the facts but he will never break up his loyalty with his father, and give credit who was there for him! Just broken hearts I’ve got, and having nothing to do with raising my stepson. Ungrateful people who should be ashamed of themselves. Amen.

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  6. I want to know if I am wrong by asking my adult SD to knock on the door instead of just opening her key (without knocking)?
    She moved out of the house the same week that I moved in (3.5 yeas ago). She said that it was not comfortable with me because of all of the changes that I made without consulting anyone. Please keep in mind that this is someone who is over 30 years old and has NEVER been 100% responsible for anything. I try to talk to my husband about this passive-aggressive behavior, but he tries to ignore it or excuse it most of the time. It is now making me become resentful of my husband. He is fine with being controlled by an adult child that he still partially takes care of. I don’t mind helping sometimes, but I need an improved attempt at being grown on her part. She has a low-income job and did not finish college. She wants everything given to her. She is very divisive and shady in all of her actions.
    I’m trying to understand if my husband is naive or stupid! I have tried to be a nice person and a friend. I can not be a parent because she has never been given any type of consequences for any of her actions. I believe that consequences is the teaching of all things. That is the way I was raised. The entire family coddles her poor judgement and bad behavior. I don’t coddle or cuddle. I am very direct. It turns into punishment for my husband because she will stay away until she needs something from him and then she acts as if there was never an issue.

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  7. I have an 11 yr old son n my gf has an 9 yr old daughter..her daughter likes to dress tomboy and play football when every one comes around or just does what boys do ..so they were playing football n the daughter
    Grabbed my son from his hoodie and was chocking him from where she was pulling on it so my son grabbed her arm n pulled her forward and
    She fell ..mind you she is 9 but her
    Body size is like a 6 or 7 year old..am not saying it was ok for my son to do that but her
    Daughter came in crying saying my son hit her just to hit her so we asked the other kids what happened..they get along most of the time but there’s been times when the fight and it’s always my sons felt cuz his a boy ..my gf expects me to beat my child or yell at him like a crazy person every time her daughter comes in saying she being bullied ..her kid gets bullied at school by her other sister who is older n moved
    Out her own gma ..everything always happens to her kid ..so when this football incident happen she wants me to yell at my son but she’s taking her daughter to the movies cuz evey one is being mean
    To her ..there’s a lot more to my story n sometimes just need to vent n again I know my son was wrong but I would like
    For her to take accountability for her daughters actions as well..and instead of grounding the kids or taking their
    Game away ..my gf decides to move out because she feels her daughter is in danger ‍♀️

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  8. Hi, My step-children are all adults and they are awful. They all have different mothers and they do and say things that are terrible and my husband makes excuses for them. I am sick of this and I have contacted a divorce attorney. My husband makes excuses for them and their behavior. They pick on my youngest son (14 Yrs of age). The oldest of the step-children is the ring leader. This has been going on now for almost 20 years and I know it won’t get any better. I feel the only way to make peace is to give them their dad and divorce him so that I can be at peace.

    Reply
    • My husband has so called adults, col. I was at aaa and the lady laughed and said his daughter 26 yrs old still having the father pay for everything. Is embarrassing! The other one, I learned that at 25 yrs old kept asking my husband for money and now I notice that he has been calling because he has a new girlfriend, getting his oh dad thing to get my husband to pay for his wedding and of course a house for them… My husband does not have much savings and he is due to retire in 2 yrs. But of course is all about them, they are we. my husband is him and I am her. Adults step children, they are calculated!!! They think is all about them. I am sorry you have to go through for 20 yrs. They all three of them, yes, you, woman has to approve by them and comply to them. smile and make them happy. not you. they do not care, is all about them. col because they are healthy and no broken bones, but they are important.

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  9. We got custody of my husbands child when she was 3! It’s been extremely difficult. She was still allowed to visit her mother who lived in Ireland & after every visit she was more distant, because the mother was poisoning her ear. My husband was working long hours in a very stressful job, & so I was her main career. I would often try & chat to my husband about her hurtful behaviour but he just used to say, oh well that’s just the way she is! I disengaged from trying to disciplining her as she hated me even more. So I let my husband take over , well that was a big mistake to, as she was just allowed to do what she wanted & her neglectful behaviour became worse. I have 2 boys by my husband and she never showed any love towards any of us not even her own Dad. We even bought a dog and she ignored it. It’s like a complete stranger has lived under this roof for 17yrs, she spent most time in her room and ignored us all in the house, I’m such a loving person & tried my best to love her & ask for a cuddle but she wasn’t interested. We took her to a Psychotherapist & it didn’t really help much. She’s now 20 and has been living at university for the last 3yrs and was coming home in the holidays. My husband was still having to ask her to say hello to me in my house as she still ignores us after 17yrs. She’s a very confident adult & my husband has said she’s been passive aggressive towards us but mainly me since living here. This summer she told me to ‘fuck off’ after I dare question her behaviour. Now my husband has Dad guilt & it’s causing problems with us & we have ended up having marriage counselling over it. The councillor has said to my husband how extremely difficult it must of been for me especially when her bad behaviour was mainly targeted at me. She’s caused me years of Anxiety & heartache. I just hope the counselling works as I’ve just had enough.

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  10. My 25 year old step daughter hates me. She has done everything she can to get rid of me for the past 8 years. She hates my kids (adult also) and causes drama all the time. It is so uncomfortable to have her visit.
    My husband pretty much does nothing. He says to “take the high road” which I’ve done. I love my husband and we are wonderful when we don’t see her or talk about her. But now one of my kids won’t have anything to do with her too bc she has lashed out at her too many times. It is so stressful. I can’t stand this divided family and doubt it will ever change. I think it’ll only get worse when grandkids come along and I’ll have to pretend to be nice.
    Any advice will be welcome. I am not leaving my husband. I love our life together.

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    • I am interested in connecting Lori. I have a 27 and 15 year old step-daughters that hate me. I have contemplated divorce, but have a great marriage to him otherwise.

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    • My husband has four children that range from 22y/o to 17 years old. He had been quite distanced physically from the children for years because of the tumultuous relationship with his ex-wife. I have been in the children’s lives for the past 4 years and I find them to be quite miserable and manipulative. They have a seething hatred for my husband, maybe deserved, but they pretend to honor him. I know this because they have shared their resentment towards his absence. The children came to our home with a lot of expectations and entitlement. They refused to accept sincere love because it wasn’t in the form of makeup gifts and trips for lost time. I personally had nothing to do with my husband’s absence from his children. That was long before he and I met yet somehow I too and held to making amends for the lost time. Recently my husband and I hit a rough patch in our marriage that normally some communication would have gotten us through however his children took this opportunity to complain about me and how uncomfortable and unloved I make them feel. This of course made my husband feel bad. Mind you I am the person who does everything for them: birthdays, doctors appointments, teachers meeting, college, etc… Now everyone has amnesia and I’m the worst. Because my husband has sided with his children and I know first hand the contempt they hold in their hearts for him I will remove myself from their family heartbroken. I’ve wanted to be married for years and it only happened in my forties. I adore my husband, take good care of my house, and love my children. In all I don’t blame the kids. I’m hurt but I don’t blame them. This burden lies on my husband and his ex-wife.

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    • I am in a similar hell. 22 year SS moved in with us, didn’t pay rent, buy groceries or help around the house. 5 months after moving in he went on a tirade and told me i am a b***h, that I am greedy, and that I ruined his father’s life. Husband doesn’t understand why I feel disrespected when SS is allowed to come to our house and use whatever he wants (garage, pool, hot tub). I pay for half of everything. It has been like this for over 6 years.

      Reply
  11. Currently at a crossroads in my marriage due to my step-son. My wife says that we have other issues (she’s not wrong) but he is a major player in a lot of our problems. he is now 18 and tried to fight me because I asked him to not break things in my house, scream at his mom and me (he was upset because his 6 year old sister hit him). I told my wife that he is 18 now and he crossed the line that he cant come back from. I told her that he cant live in my house anymore and she pretty much told me that I could leave because he will always have a place to live with her. Our relationship was strained while he was younger (met him at 7) due to my wife, his father and their families making me the bad guy for holding him accountable (I was his basketball coach and teacher at around 4th-5th grade). We were in a much better place, even though he was doing a lot of things I didn’t approve of, but after he tried to fight me I am done! I didnt do anything to ask for this and my wife is so easy to throw me away… even though me and her were in a great place but after the incident, all of a sudden shes not happy. Starting counseling soon but I am not optimistic.

    Reply
  12. Me and my wife have been together for 8 years now and married for 6 of those years. She has a son that is now 12 (4 when we 1st got together). He has always been a challenging kid. He has ADHD and ODD. My wife has always coddled him and never really enforced any type of discipline. It seems we are on completely different pages when it comes to that. So naturally I’m the bad guy all of the time. My wife and I set rules and consequences, but she always tries to diminish the consequences, which leads to us fighting and me being the bad guy. The latest episode that potentially could end my marriage happened last night. A package arrived in the mail addressed go our son. I opened it and saw that it was dip. A 12 yr old bought dip online. I had been checking his phone almost everyday, but my wife put an end to that because she said I was looking for something to punish him about. She just didn’t want to deal with it. She never wants to deal with it. Anyway.. so I confront my wife and him about it. I told my son to hand me his phone because thats clearly being taken away. He tell me no. I move closer to grab it from him and he pulls out a knife and proceeds to try to stab me. I wrestle the knife away from him and grab his phone finally. That was the absolute breaking point for me. I told my wife that he is not welcome in my house. I can’t continue living like this. I love my wife so much and don’t want a divorce, but how can I find a path forward here? I’m more at peace with him not here, but am heartbroken because I’m losing my wife because of this. If anyone has any advise, please let me know.

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  13. I’m at a difficult and emotional empasse in my marriage. I have no children of my own and have been with my wife for 5 years. Her kids are now 13 and 14. Her son is a compulsive liar who thinks saying “I didn’t know” or “you never said that” absolves him of all accountability. Since earning amazing grades in junior high, he took all the praise for being a smart kid and turned it into he knows everything and doesn’t even try at school anymore. He is failing as a freshman in high school and we’ve already been told he may be held back. Any time I try to encourage the same good study habits and work ethic his mom enforces when she is home, he refuses to leave his bed, sleeps all day, and consistently calls me a liar. He says his mom lets him do the things I won’t let him and often lies to me about “mom said I could do X, Y, Z.” He purposely pushes my patience to the point of frustration and often anger, then threatens to video tape me and acts all innocent once I’ve lost my patience. He lies about his school work. He lies about having his chores done if we’re checking in from work. He lies about what his mother allows him to do. Bottom line is he lives in a fantasy land. He had a therapist when he was younger but convinced his mom he no longer needed to go despite having multiple defiant outbursts since, one where he even tried to get a kitchen knife and threatened us. Of course my wife and I have marital issues because I have to constantly be on my toes with this kid and cannot focus on the things I need to be doing for myself and my marriage. My anxiety is through the roof and I have woken up in the middle of the night to him standing over me as I slept. He bumps into me on purpose like a man-check in a bar when his mom isn’t looking. Relationships are hard work and my wife and I have had far from a perfect marriage. But this kid is the only reason I would ever agree to mutually part ways or initiate the process myself. I have often told my wife that if she wants to move on I wouldn’t fight it but that I would not initiate the process. I have not told her how I feel about her son and we keep trying to work on our marriage, but every time he lies and manipulates, it pushes me closer to leaving. Not because I do not love my wife, but bluntly because of him. I also have a step daughter, and while she may not be perfect or always the best behaved, her behavior doesn’t hold a candle to his and we often enjoy laughing together. People in public often mistake her for my bio kid. She talks to me about some things before she share them with her mother. I feel like leaving her and her mother because of the boy would be wrong, but lately I feel it is the only thing that will save my own sanity in the end. I really have no clue what to do.

    Reply
  14. My husband and I have been together since 2016 and married since 2019. I have two adult sons that get along great with him and accept him. He has two adult step daughters that I have tried to be friends with but they do everything in their power to show me they will never like me or accept me. The youngest has even done things to sabotage our marriage along with his ex wife. I did not break up their marriage. His ex wife filed for divorce and he never cheated on her during their 29 year marriage. It seems they are all bitter and resentful that he moved on and the ex hasn’t moved on like she thought she would so the ex hates me and has poisoned his daughters against me because I exist. The youngest does things to try to start conflict between my husband and I. She and his ex even sent my husband an anonymous gift. He had to question everyone to find out who sent it. His daughter never sends anonymous gifts to anyone they are not that kind of family. It was obvious this was done to try to make me paranoid wondering who sent it and to make me upset. There are so many other mind games they play and I now want to stay as far from any of them as possible because I know they’re malicious and have bad intentions toward me and our marriage. What do I do?

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  15. Unfortunately I don’t have any advice to give you. I have been remarried for over 10 years and have gone through some of the same things that everyone else has stated. It is so upsetting and disappointing that I am ready to quit it all. My husband’s daughter had just had her 1st child, his first grandchild. We went to see them cause they live out of state. She has now banned me from going up there because she didn’t like my behavior last summer. I am an introvert and like to be alone and away from drama. Also to give her and her father some alone time. It will always be “something” that she does not approve of that I do regardless. I know slot of people are in the same situation. Heaven help us all.

    Reply
    • My stepdaughter has banned me just recently, not her Dad from seeing her 2 children ages 4 and 6. We’ve been married 18 years and she has resented me from day 1. I don’t know how to react to this. The kids love me and I love them. For the past 2 1/2 years I’ve been recuperating from cancer treatments and affects of the treatments plus Covid isolation and haven’t been able to watch them much or be around them. She’s never called to see how I was doing during treatments and said that I just claimed I was sick so I wouldn’t be able to watch her kids. I don’t want to stop my husband from seeing the grandkids but it is so unfair that I’m not allowed to be around them. She got mad because I told her a few weeks ago that I couldn’t wstch both boys overnight for 2 days and after that she said I couldn’t see them. I tried to reach out to her so we could talk in person to resolve any issues but she doesn’t tespond to me. Any suugestions?

      Reply
  16. Hope this helps! (My advice from my marriage counselling) I’m having marriage counselling due to stepdaughter problems. We had custody from the age of 3, she’s now 21 and moved out. I’ve actually posted this story before (See above Sarah January 3rd 2021) His advice is it’s vitally important for my husband to have my back. Meaning he should not allow the disrespectful behaviour to happen in your own home. They need to be talking to their son/daughter about respecting you in your own home. He also advised that I need space & I’m allowed to take as long as I like & for me to have a long distance relationship with my stepdaughter. He advised my husband to still go & see her but I’m not ready to have any kind of relationship with her at present or have her back in my home after being passive aggressive ways towards me for 18yrs. Your husband/wife must support you in this situation. Also have 1 night a week catchup with your husband or wife where you ask each other how do you think we’ve been this week then allow each other 5 minutes each to talk without any interruption. After you’ve both spoken do not discuss what was said & then ask each other what do you need. It’s important to be honest but let each other speak instead of interrupting and it causing an argument. Be honest about how your feeling when asked. Try this once a week. It’s still early days for me & my husband but the counselling is making him understand how hards it’s been for me. Plus it’s so good to get everything of your chest. 🙂

    Reply
    • I could cry reading this. It hits home a lot only I’m the parent and my husband is the step parent. My 9yo son has admittedly, been very testing and sometimes mean to my husband over the years. I have disciplined and punished him for it, I’m not blind to the behaviour however my husband says I dont give the behaviour punishment it deserves. I actually disagree, i feel my husband is mean and unessacarily hard on him. Theres a massive difference in the way he treats our daughter, the time he has for her and the way he interacts with her. Our marriage is barely hanging on we argue so much over it. We have a lot of resentment to each other about what we see as the others failings. i dread leaving them together when i work

      Reply
      • Maybe family counselling could help? It will give everyone a chance to express how they feel. And what’s going wrong. I hope it gets better for you all 🙂

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  17. Hi guys, so grateful to hear that I’m not alone in this situation. I’m still pretty newly married (18 months) and I too am already at my breaking point with my step children 12 and 8 years old. I’ve recently began thinking about moving out of my home that I share with my spouse and step-children and hoping to continue my relationship with my husband but just living in separate households. Am I crazy for thinking this idea could work ? Or will I completely be dooming my marriage? I love my spouse but I just do not want to deal with their children anymore I feel like I can’t give anymore than I already have and I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. Any advice or ways to help cope ?

    Reply
    • Oh Jade I totally understand how you feel. I was the same and my husband had custody of my stepdaughter from the age of 3 so she lived with us for 18yrs. She was passive aggressive towards all of us the only reason I didn’t leave was because I had 2 boys with my husband and they kept me from walking away. Marriage counselling really helped & they should be able to make your husband understand how hard it is for you & advise how to help the situation. Your husband needs to have your back & you need to have quality time together when they are not around. Try this first before you walk away. It really could help

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  18. Hi guys! I’m so happy I’m not alone. In my own case I feel I brought this upon myself because I was trying to be nice. Since corona virus kept students away from school, my 19yr old stepson tried to get a job but couldn’t, and out the love I had for him and because my husband had implied it, I told my husband to ask him to come stay with us with the hope that school will be open within few months. I got a job for him at the same place I work at and since then, the little regards he use to have for me went down to zero. He disrespects and disregards me always while acting like he did nothing . His dad actually sees everything wrong with his attitude but he doesn’t correct him the way he should. He makes him feel like I have no say on when and how long he intends to stay with us. He told him that he has every right to come to our home without even calling first. Almost like he reduces me to nothing when he’s addressing issues that has to do with his son thereby directly making the boy to disrespect me more. I feel so sad because this is almost like the only thing that threatens our marriage and the worst of it is that when I told my husband that his son can’t live with us due to the way he disrespects me, he told me that it’s impossible after all he knew him before me. I feel terrible because I love my husband so much and don’t want to do anything I will regret. I just don’t know how to handle this.

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  19. It is now going on 2 years that my wife allowed her oldest daught, boyfriend and new baby to move in. It has been hell. Wife served me with divorce papers for Christmas 2019. We worked things out but I found out it was all orchestrated by the adult step daughter. The other step daughter moved into our attached studio with her child daughter. It is double hell. Adult step children are worse than your worst nightmare. Maybe that where the insanity plea comes into play…

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  20. We have being together for one year. My spouse, his 18 years daughter and my 13 years daughter. His daughter loves cats and she has 11 cats and they are having new kittens in every three months. I am not happy about this and had suggested to operate female cats to control the unreasonable growth. My step daughter never agree on that and my spouse says, I have to leave home if I can’t let his daughter on her way as she thinks it is inhuman to control the cats breeding opportunity and she needs more kittens. We lives in a limited space and all around is smelly with cat shits and really unpleasant. This make me nervous and make me edgy. My usual pleasant self is gone and I feel my spouse is getting sided with his daughter while being rude to mine and trying to deceplene my daughter. I feel I want to leave them to keep sanity and joy in my daughters and my life. Can some one advise.

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  21. Over the last year, I have developed and fallen in love with the most wonderful man. Our relationship moved quickly and he is now my fiancé and although it has been a whirlwind, we have kept every aspect of our lives in check and constantly communicate about where we are and the pace that we are moving. It is important to know that I have known Doug for more than 30 years. We actually dated for a few months as teenagers and though we both moved on and had separate lives (spouses, kids, families, careers), we are now back together in a wonderful relationship. Doug and I did not keep in touch through all those years. We never had a secret longing for each other. We just happened to find each other again at a time where we were both single (he was separated and I had been long divorced). I have two adult sons who are kind and accepting and only wish for their mom to be truly happy. Doug has two teenage daughters. Natale is 13 and is a loving, sweet child who has accepted me with open arms. Emily is 17 and for the first 6 months of our relationship, she was wonderful to me. Don’t get me wrong, she was never happy that her parents were in the middle of a divorce, but she didn’t blame me for causing their break up. Emily was aware that years prior, her mother had an affair and that her father stuck around to try to save his marriage. It wasn’t until Angela, the ex, became physically and emotionally abusive with Doug that he decided he was done and wanted out of their marriage. Emily and Natale witnesses their mother’s abuse of their father many, many times.

    At first, Doug and I shared beach trips and vacations, dinners, walks at the park and lots of fun times with Emily and Natale. I would even take the girls on lunch dates and shopping trips. I helped them with homework and jumped in to save the day to help Emily book a last minute hair appointment just hours before her senior class portraits were taken. From the beginning, I always made it clear to them that I would never try to be a replacement for their mom. They have a mom who they love and I think that is wonderful. I have always expressed to them that I would much rather be their friend, an ally, a source of comfort whenever they needed me. I did not force myself on them. In the beginning, my relationship with the girls was very easy and equally reciprocated.

    I have also never spoken badly about Angela in front of the girls. Never. Despite the fact that she is a truly narcissistic, overbearing type of person, I have always maintained that her life and the way she lives it and her relationship with her daughters is not my business and I would never intervene. And, I haven’t.

    It’s important to note that Angela is so vindictive that she even accused Doug of emotionally and physically abusing the girls (completely contrived and not true in any way) and had them legally removed from the home once with zero contact allowed with their father. That move devastated the girls and it was me who they reached out to to help resolve the situation. I did so willingly, yet still never spoke negatively about their mother.

    When their divorce was final, things changed drastically. Angela turned up the heat and began filling the girls’ heads with lies. Keep in mind that Angela and I don’t know each other. She knows nothing about me or my life, and other than my involvement with Doug, I know nothing about her. Although she doesn’t know me, Angela began telling the girls terrible lies about me and my past — that I slept with 100s of men and that I was only with their dad for his money. She also told them that their father cheated on her with me and that is the reason they split up. Remember, when Doug and I first met up again after 31 years, it was completely by chance and he was already separated.

    Natale believes none of it. She recognizes that her mother is a perpetual liar and she truly just wants her daddy to be happy. She is open and communicative and she just “gets it.” She appreciates what I bring to her life and that’s it.

    Emily is different. Emily has changed the way she feels about me because of the many untruths her mother has filled her head with. Emily is a more sensitive child and her mother has manipulated her in to feeling sorry for her and has convinced Emily that I ruined their family. Our fun days of hanging out and enjoying time together are long gone. Now, Emily won’t look at me or talk to me. She won’t even allow herself to be in the same room with me. Though Doug and I maintain separate households and do not live together, I will occasionally stay overnight at his house. It is on these nights that Emily blows up Doug’s phone with text messages and demands to know if I’m staying — because the ultimatum is that if I am staying overnight, she is leaving and going to her mother’s house.

    Both girls know that their mother is toxic. Neither of them will live with her. There have only been a few nights in the past year that they have stayed at her house overnight. Her constant badgering of them about their father and me is just too much to take for them. It results in them spending limited time at her house despite the fact that legally, they are supposed to stay with her every other week. They simply refuse to do that.

    Emily’s newfound perspective is taking a toll on everyone. It is putting tremendous strain on me and Doug and though we are committed to working through this, it is still very hurtful and difficult.

    Doug has had numerous conversations with Emily and Natale. He has pleaded with Emily to try to understand what is going on. He has asked her numerous times what I have ever done to her to make her hate me so much. She doesn’t have an answer for him because I have never done or said anything negatively to her. He has reminded her that things changed and that there was a time when she didn’t have any animosity towards me.

    Though she refuses to have a conversation with me, I have tried to communicate with Emily. I have sent her text messages and written her letters. I have tried giving her space. I have tried to engage with her — all to no avail.

    Doug and I need direction. How do we move forward? How do we deal with this and get back to where we were with Emily. Doug is working on getting therapy for Emily, and I am hopeful that it helps although, admittedly, I am skeptical because Emily doesn’t communicate. She shuts down and refuses to speak to anyone.

    It is very difficult to be in a relationship with someone you love and care so much about when you know that their child hates you. I just don’t know how to move forward.

    Please help.

    Reply
    • Hi, Jen. I am in a similar boat but have left the shore. Looking back, I should have never got into the boat as my spouse turned and blames me for the kids not liking me instead of remaining neutral and facilitate the relationship between us. However, at least your spouse wants to put the older one in therapy. I was advised, the kids are grown and I cannot make them like you. Yet, I see her make them give other people respect. She even spends at least one night/ month with them as they have moved out instead of showing we are a unit. So, I am honestly no longer fully invested because I need to protect my feelings. I say pray about it and be least by your spirit.

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  22. Since the adult kids (late and early 20’s) moved out on their own, my wife blames me saying I did not make the house welcoming. I said grown adults who pay no bills don’t get the opportunities to complain about how we run our house or come in at all times of the morning even up to 5A whether partying or working disturbing the sleep of those who pay the bills, especially with their dog barking that early. Yet, I am still up because she is up calling them or vice versa while they’re out. They still periodically come over briefly to grab things like their packages that get delivered here and their pet stays at our home. Now, she spends at least one night a month with them and compares it to me spending a night with my disabled mother who lives 100s of miles away by herself. Am I wrong for thinking that this is unnatural? What have I gotten myself into? I bet once they get married, they will not leave their spouse’s to visit her or let her visit.

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  23. It is a little comforting to know how not alone I am but more so heartbreaking reading all the stories… we’ve been married almost 5 years,, 4 boys 13,15, and he has 13 year old twins. They weren’t teens when we married… had a wonderful dad that went off the deep in and they had no idea what to do with themselves.. re-married to a man who demanded respect at all times.. I tried to let him lead Biblically and it has backfired in my face — CPS got involved due to a fight and my oldest moved in with his dad last august,, I never see him or talk to him and I am a great mom… just sayin.. but have failed my children. I let this man take over who I thought would protect and heal them over time and he’s done nothing but control and demand respect. He is jealous bc I’m spending more time with my son that’s left here
    We’ve tried counseling and he’s tried to change.. apologies then repeat but reads his Bible and talks about how we should put the way Christ designed a family first etc
    He has done everything wrong in so many ways not just the children
    I’m throwing in the towel and sad
    Wasted 5 years and hurt my kids again

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  24. My husband has a 27 year old daughter who comes up to our house for pretty much everything. Worse, she makes her dad do things for her all the time, ride to work everyday, fix something broken at her house etc etc. Ive dealt with her and her mom(my husband’s ex wife) for years, and still do. Not so much the mom but the daughter, she is stirring up my emotions everyday. I do not mind my husband helping his kids from
    previous marriage, but she is an adult but refuses to act like one. Always wanting needing something everyday. Now my marriage is on the rocks and I dont know what to do.

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  25. I have a 13 yo son from my previous marraige and my spouse has a 16yo daughter and 13yo son as well. My 13 year old soon to be stepson in (1month time) when we first met we had a fantastic relationship. On the level of hugs and kisses. I love you’s. Always grateful. We got engaged and in two years time everything was undone. After setting a date my fiancé told me he still was not divorced. The kids spent Christmas with us. His 16 yo daughter and I get along famously. The divorce was final one week later. They came back for the next visit he ran away and literally screamed his head off at me. That doesn’t fly from my own son. If I get him something he doesn’t even acknowledge that it or say Thankyou. If I call my son into my room he runs in confident we are talking about him. He eavesdrops, tells me “just so you know I hear everything” even questions me if I have to work late if that’s actually what I’m doing. Lies. Is a bully to my son. To the point of they were friends and now my son can’t stand him. We tried punishing him as a unit it doesn’t work. We argue because he says I’m “harping” on his Child. His son does all this when his father isn’t around. His mother is so worried about getting even she doesn’t care about his behavior and pretty much enforces if he is grounded with us (after he ran away) he isn’t grounded there’re. The mother is a nightmare. I still try to be cordial. BEFORE I SAY I DO. HELLLPPP!

    Reply
  26. Hi. Hateful stepchild here. Maybe what none of you realize is that perhaps the child was told right after the other parents death that if there ever was another it would be a long time, only for it to be less than two months later the surviving parent began shoving someone new down their throats out of nowhere. Family dinners. Sports games. This is made even worse when the survivor is the one that cheated on the faithful parent several times. Obviously this isn’t always the case, but I didn’t see any comments talking about it. IT’S NOT ALWAYS THE CHILD WHO’S IN THE WRONG. Make sure you know what you’re walking into and if you choose to walk into something like that despite knowing it…Well, I think you probably deserve some anger thrown your way.

    Reply
  27. I am so glad to know I am not alone in this—we are now engaged (together for 5 years)—and my fiancé’s kids were horrible the first year, it got better, and in the last 6 months, they have been a nightmare. 3 girls 21,19,14–that should say plenty in itself. We pay for EVERYTHING, even though mom gets child support…every penny of the tuition for older two, cars, phone, insurance, travel, etc.
    The youngest lives a few hours from us & mom will not help her dad to see her, even though the divorce decree says she must. She will not meet us halfway, she will not bring her and we take her back—zero help.

    Their mom has already remarried & divorced. They carry so much baggage from their parents divorce & the older two constantly attack their dad for things that happened 10 years ago…they will yell @ him, cuss him out, tell him he neglects the youngest etc. The youngest is now the only child at home w her mom and calls crying constantly saying she wishes she could live w us but is scared to ask her mom bc her mom will be mad at her.

    The middle child causes the most problems & the older will always side w her. We literally walk on eggshells around the middle child in hopes that she doesn’t get mad, that we don’t piss her off.

    The middle child and I/dad all got into an argument recently & she called me every name in the book with colorful words & hand gestures. We made her leave the house bc of her disrespect. In the aftermath, the oldest then called to be “mother hen” & began yelling @ her dad, cussing him out, would not listen to anything that took place. The older two then called to inform the youngest what “happened”.

    Although in the moment, we were a team, we now are fighting non stop bc the older two will not have anything to do with us & my fiancé blames me for the whole thing.

    We were able to see the youngest soon after the blowup & she would not come around me & hardly spoke to her dad.

    We want to have a baby of our own & now I am terrified that it will be ruined by his kids. They easily get jealous of time he and I spend together & attack him if he doesn’t try and spend the same time with them. I am afraid that once we start a family, his kids will have nothing to do with us or the baby & make it miserable, or just come around and make it miserable.

    We have yet to come to a resolution in our relationship, and haven’t moved on from our fight bc of the fight w the middle child.

    Coming from a blended family myself, I have told him continuously that I am not & would *never* ask him to choose me or his kids—however, I don’t know that this will go away. I don’t know that I will be able to enjoy my life w him & be happy bc of the constant drama with his kids.

    Am I being dramatic also?? Is there any solution to this??

    Literally dying.

    Reply
  28. I have 25 yr old step son ..who manipulates his Dad into setting him up ..time and time again ..borrows money.always expects….it and uses guilt card.He knows his father works hard ..but pushes him to limit.Hes selfish and entitled.everytime hes back in our area…..my fiance is impatient…defensive and mean to me….Im scapegoat.for how he feels usecd by son…going on for 13 yrs now…at a loss…….

    Reply
  29. I recently married. 2nd marriage. My daughter is at university and his daughter with kids (single mom) constantly dumps her kids off on us , sometimes all
    Weekend. We both work long hours. She’s always asking for money, from him and me . She even said nasty things about me at our wedding.He always defends her. She is very manipulative and he doesn’t see it. It’s ruined our marriage and it’s only been a few months. His son is lovely and has his own life . Her mother hardly sees her because she is an absolute mare. I can’t be doing with it anymore. We have to cancel plans all the time. He recently took a week off with me, and we end up having them all week because they were off school. I know it’s his fault for allowing it, but I feel I’m wasting my time and energy now. We are in our 50’s and I don’t need this drama. He has recently put his foot down but I don’t know if it’s just too late.

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  30. My stepson is 21 years old and he is such a SLOB. He does not have a job, and claims he is in a University that allows only online classes. He does not pay rent and he does no chores. He is very dirty, does not shower for weeks and has not brushed his teeth in years (He doesn’t even own a toothbrush). We clean his room , wash his dishes, do his laundry and even go shopping for him. He plays video games all through the night and sleeps all through the day. He smells so bad that when he walks past me, I cover my nose. His teeth are all covered with cavity, so much that he tries to talk or smile without showing his teeth. He has refused to move out. We even offered to pay his rent for a new room, but he told his dad he is just not ready to move out. I have complained to my husband endlessly, but dear husband keeps enabling his son. We have a 6 month old baby girl together and I am worried that she will grow up to see all these and think it is normal. I am thinking of moving out of the house with my daughter. I just can’t take it anymore.

    Reply
  31. Hi I have a Stepson who is an Adult and every few months he keeps saying why are you still with my Mom and I want you to leave. He is also an Alcoholic so he keeps finding things to fight about.

    This is been going on for alot of years. He refuses to stop intefeering in our marriage and keeps threatening me also. I am the Stepdad and I have always said you have a Dad and I am here for who ever wants me to be here with your Mom.

    They are lucky to have their Mom and Dad at an older age because their Mom and I don’t have our Mom and Dads because they are all passed on now and the grand parents also.

    I want it to stop we have been thinking about moving out of the city because now that everyone is Adults supposed to be living their own lives we want to have our own lives also. Of course have anyone who wants to come and visit and vice versa most of the Adult kids get along but there has been issues with everyone but now the oldest ones are past their 30s it’s been good with them now it’s just the younest Stepson he is almost 30s and is also demanding.

    Our last argument was he wanted me to buy an XBox I said they are expensive that I would have to save up to get him one but that wasn’t good enough he wanted me to buy it then and there and decided to start up again.

    He also has 2 kids of his own if he spent his time raising his kids as much as the time he spends on hating on me he would be a great Dad but he decides to hate on me all the time and spend his money on Alcohol instead.

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  32. I am happy to see that I am not alone. I have two stepchildren. Age 14.. girl and 16.. boy. Their biological mother passed. I have no children of my own. I love them like my own. I tell them this. My son has broken my electronics on purpose. Lies about little things, lazy, talks under his breath in his native tongue. They are Nigerian…. He eats constantly and hides the food waste in his room. I tried to take time with him.. helped him with homework, only missed 4 of his soccer games in 4 years and cook his favorite meals. And still he is disrespectful. His answer to everything is” I forgot.” He lies to his father, teachers, coach, church members, his sister. I worry about the type of adult he will be. His Sister is rude at times but she is responsible, respectful. Straight “A” student. She tries really hard to make our family work. She stays in a childs place. He hates his sister for that. Their father was a single father for 5 years….. he corrects them and walks away and then does not follow up. I follow up. That pisses my son off. I resent my son…. now I want nothing to do with him. I hate liers and theives… How do you love unconditionally when you are so hurt? How can you be a mother and function with pain of knowing he rejects you? Buying the needs and wants? I get angry buying toliet tissue for him. Lol.. Help me please!

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  33. Do you have any advice for a special needs child who is overly attached to their mother? My wife does not set boundaries with her and she will always be 100% reliant and at home. I feel burnt out and shoved to the side.

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  34. I’ve been having a lot of issues with my husband and son. So my son has gone through a lot and my husband knows about it. My son didn’t see me for 5 months because his father kept him from me and i got him back from going to court. They gave us one week each where we switch off every Sunday. When i got my son back he was so happy and calm then out of nowhere after 6 months of coming back and forth he started having attitude and talking back a lot. Ive been dealing with him by showing him its not okay but my husband seems at the point he’s getting tired of it. They had a great relationship at first as well. I forgot to mention my son is only 3. I understand its because of switching off and he might be confused and both households have different rules but i feel as if my sons dad doesn’t teach him respect or manners when my sons over there. I can’t even speak to his dad since i have a restraining order on him and the only way is texting his mother since shes the third party of communication for us but she just goes on about what she says instead of the fathers response so i try avoiding conversations about this problem with her. My son started talking back and yelling at both of us to the point he yelled at him that he wasnt his dad. We were a happy home and there’s nothing here to be causing this. I tried explaining to my husband he’s only 3 and he’s not understanding good yet but he says since my son acts like he’s older he should know already. My son is a very advanced kid with mostly everything but he’s been going through different homes that its been effecting him. I told my husband to just let me handle him and for him not to parent and he agreed and now he won’t even talk to my son. We were talking about this and all he said was if my son doesn’t change his attitude in a year we are going to separate. It hurt my feelings i felt like he was making me choose between him and my son. Even my family noticed my son and husband aren’t as close anymore. My husband tells me that my son is ruining our marriage and happiness but he’s just a toddler. I feel like he’s avoiding my son to the point its making it worst for their relationship. I always make sure my son gets as much attention and love from me because I don’t want him to think I don’t love him. I love them both but i feel like I should leave my husband because the way he has been acting is just ruining our relationship. He has no patience, not even for me. He says its my son thats the problem but im started to believe its him and i cant say anything because he would get mad at me and I don’t want my son to see us argue since it can make everything worst. My son is a kid and i dont know how to make my husband understand most kids his age go through phases like this. Ive tried explaining but nothing gets to him and it’s overwhelming for me. What’s your opinions on this?

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  35. I have been married to my husband for 7 years now… he has a 13 year old daughter who is doing bad things has been for 3 years now.. (posting almost naked piks on social media, drugs,sneaking out and other worst things) she tried to talk back at me a few times when she would come over and my husband would stop it.. i seen her at a maze once lookin very inappropriate for a girl her age, i told her dad and her mom and apparently the mother never seen anything wrong with it so that was that.. girl got worst from then on.. i dont have social media but i have friends that would tell me of all the racy tik toks and inappropriate things she would upload on her media platforms mind you shes just turned 12 at this time.. so that was that her dad had a confrontation one time when he came home from work and seen her and she called her mom and her mom came to get her..she didnt come over for a year..she kept doing bad things
    We kept seeing bad things on her platforms. Her dad would reach out to the mom(who hates him because she didnt accept the fact they were over) nothing ever got done, half the time she wouldnt even respond..just this chirstmas my husband reached out to her mom because of really bad pictures that got to him. So i never heard or knew of what was said… 1 week late my mother in law tells me by the way his daughter is moving in as of today.. excuse me how did he plan all this behind my back and not tell me or take me and our 2 small children(2,4 ) into consideration?? I am completely mind blown..i am deeply hurt and feel betrayed that nobody told me anything and this was planned behind my back… and now my whole life is flipped immediately no warning… i told my husband she was his full responsibility since he took it upon himself to make that decision.. but i also keep telling him her mother should still be responsible for her daughter and come get her every other weekend and every Wednesday.. dont just take away her responsibility as her mother because you also have our children who need you.. anyway these last days i have been so hurt because i have seen my son give her more attention than he ever has to our kids..he takes her to skool instead of sending her on the bus like she should… he has NEVER once wanted or made time out of his job to even take our kids to doctors appt or anything for that matter.. our 4 year old is currently in OT therapy and he has never once gone to take him.. he is currently going to start his speech therapy as well.. he just doesnt seem to understand where im coming from and how i want my own life back at least for some days if he sends her to her moms… i told him i can’t live unhappy like this, its not healthy for me and i need to be in a good mindset to care for our kids.. i dont know what to do… i honestly just want a divorce and him and his daughter out of our home at this point… any advice?

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  36. I have exactly the issues discussed here related to SK behaviour and Husband defending them no matter what! They visit EOWE and some holidays so, since Xmas when my anxiety was pushed to the limit and disrespect happened that tipped me over the edge, I have spent EOWE that they visit staying elsewhere. I can honestly say it is a breath of fresh air and has stopped Husband and I arguing about them (it is all we do disagree about!). He still wants to stay the ‘Good Guy’ with them though and won’t tell them the truth about why I’m not at home when they are here!

    Am I right to move out of my home when they visit? It is for my own wellbeing and mental health (and to hopefully save our marriage!).

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  37. I have two stepdaughters aged 12 and 15. I married their father 6 years ago. They live with us permanently. We took a few years to get used to eachother. The eldest tried her best to alienate me, but after a few fights we sorted things out. Thing is I don’t keep quiet. I always say what is bothering me and I never let them get away with things like not making their beds, not cleaning their rooms, eating the food I cook and saying thank you and please. I still have trouble with them and they seem to live on this planet where I’m the evil stepmom. But at least I have some control over what happens in my house. It still sucks that I’ll never be their mother and will never get to feel their unconditional love. I do everything for them that a mother would do for her kids, including buying clothes, making appointments for them, helping with projects and homework. I love them and since having my own daughter who is now 2 I have tried my level best to treat them all equally and to not allow my daughter to take up all my time and energy. Thing is I sometimes resent their mother for not supporting them financially and having me do everything for them, and I resent having to be the mother who doesn’t get the love and attention…but must be there when they need me. I mostly wish that they’d just grow up and leave so I can get on with my life with my daughter. My husband doesn’t help and makes things worse by even telling my daughter that I’m a stepmother and to call me aunt like his other kids do. I’ve had big fights with him but he still believes he’s just playing and not serious and I should stop being so overemotional etc. I am not even touching on any of the things that have made me depressed and anxious in the past 6 years. I look forward to one day leaving this man, but don’t feel equipped to doing so and don’t want my daughter to go through divorce. I do sometimes love him and wish we did have a healthy relationship, but mostly I just want to get back to the time when I wasn’t always worried and anxious and walking on eggshells all the time.

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  38. If you’re not married to this guy, leave. The next time you date someone make sure they don’t have children. Not worth the headache.

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  39. It honestly feels impossible that my husband would parent his daughter. At 19 she calls her dad to see if she will like fish or not, copies him on everything saying they are so alike when in reality she is not like him, manipulative like her mother. He does not stick up for me and is too enthralled by her adoration. I have given up and withdrawn from his kids. Life is too short so I focus on the positive things in life, my own kids, and enjoying time with my husband when we are alone. It hurts to do so but I am tired of feeling like the other woman who’s own feelings don’t matter.

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  40. There seem to be a lot of comments about leaving the relationship if the stepchildren are creating problems. But what is the alternative, a life alone? If you are over 40 years old, more than likely whoever you have a relationship with is going to have “baggage”. I suppose you have to decide which is worse, dealing with the baggage or living alone. It’s a difficult situation.

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