60 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

Questions to Ask Before Getting Married are much better than finding the truth later. It is easier to solve any issues sooner.

People like to trot out the adage, “What I don’t know can’t hurt me,” as a lighthearted way of justifying a lack of curiosity.

Nothing proves the lie to that contention with more potentially dramatic consequences than marriage.

Couples would do well to find out what could hurt them by asking questions—some of them tough ones—before the invitations go out.

The truth is that couples who don’t ask each other some important questions are going to find out the answers anyway. In some cases, they’ll wish they’d known them sooner.

Marriage is not some magical band-aid capable of fixing all problems within the relationship. Just because you’re now legally bound to one another doesn’t mean you won’t deal with the same issues as spouses.

So, it’s in your (and your future spouse’s!) best interest to be proactive by asking the right questions before exchanging vows. Even if that means asking scary or awkward questions…

Unexpected crises, stresses, and losses can derail even the healthiest relationships without any notice or way to prepare. 

In many other cases, early warnings of foreseeable conflicts are usually present in the form of personality clashes or other incompatibilities. That is why asking questions before getting married could be helpful.

A little proactivity and asking the RIGHT questions can go a long way

We’d pretty much roll our eyes at anyone who bought a car or a house without getting answers to a host of questions to ensure that we were getting what we wanted and needed. Questions to ask before getting married will do more good than bad.

Why fly blind into a theoretically (if not statistically) lifelong contract before ensuring you’re on the same page about the stuff that matters to you both?

The hopeless romantics might argue that approaching marriage with the same common sense as buying a car takes all the fun, spontaneity, and kismet out. 

Our experts, many of whom make a career out of helping couples deal with the issues that can make or break a marriage, say, think again.

The better you’re equipped to deal with potential friction before joining hands at the altar, the more likely you are to work towards a resolution before it potentially damages your marriage.

However, don’t overlook compatibility issues. Even the deepest love isn’t foolproof against perpetual conflicts in your relationship.

The key to a long-lasting marriage is how well you can anticipate and work through issues. Communicating is the key in solving any problem, asking questions before getting married is the start.

First question, why get married?

Sometimes, the most obvious questions before getting married are the most overlooked and important.

1. A good start is with the question, why get married at all? 

2. Are there spiritual/religious reasons for entering into holy wedlock? 

3.Are you pressing legal or economic advantages? 

4. All those wedding gifts?

5. Or is it just the compelling idea of making your love and commitment to each other official and public?

6.What does “marriage” mean to you?

7.How do you think your relationship will change once you’re married?

8.What does being a good wife, husband, or spouse mean?

9.What makes this person different from the rest?

10.Is your partner a benefit or a hindrance to achieving your goals?

11.Do you bring out the best in each other?

12.What differences do you love now but may find grating in five years?

13. Is there something that you are expecting to change?

Additionally, couples should ask questions about what their partner views as an ideal marriage, specifically in regard to what a happy matrimony looks like.

Asking the aforementioned questions is important because they provide valuable insight into which areas of marriage are most important to your partner.

Next, you can drill down to essential questions about the key areas of your lives that you will be learning about and sharing.

Start with the basics about your histories, experiences, and expectations around relationships.

Before marriage questions about relationships

There’s a common notion among marriage and relationship counselors.

They believe there are always more than two people in a relationship—we bring all our previous relationships and partners with us every time we get involved with someone new.

The questions here don’t revolve around who or how many partners we’ve been with before meeting and falling in love with ‘the one.’

Instead, they examine what we’ve learned about ourselves—our needs, desires, patterns, and preferences—based on our experiences up to that point.

There’s a host of wide-ranging questions you can ask each other related to your ways of relating…

14.What did your past relationships teach you about love, trust, and commitment?

15.Were any of your past relationships physically or emotionally abusive? Explain.

16. What mistakes did you make in past relationships with your boyfriend/girlfriend?

17.When conflict arises, do you tend to want to fight or avoid it? Why do you think that is?

18.How and when will we resolve differences in our marriage?

19.Do you feel comfortable seeking professional counseling if needed? Why or why not?

20.What things make you angry? What do you do when you’re angry? What are ways you healthily process your anger?

21.What should we do if we end up having mismatched sex drives at some point in our marriage?

22.Is there anything from your past that might affect your sex life?

23.How can we ensure our sexual intimacy stays a priority once we’re married?

Questions to ask your partner before marriage about work and finances

Differences and disagreements about finances are among the most common—and potentially most lethal—problems to plague couples when there has been little to no discussion about it before ‘becoming one.’

Oftentimes, money is connected to emotional importance, and it’s significance among individuals can vary widely-from freedom to security to autonomy to power and status.

The more you communicate openly and honestly with yourself and one another about your attitude toward money and finances, the better! The key is deciding how any differences will be solved together.

These questions cover many territories – from major career and work issues to spending habits to how critical decisions will be made.

Ignore or avoid them now, and you may be counting your losses down the road.

24.Will we merge our finances? Share a bank account?

25.How will we make big financial decisions? How about little ones?

26.Do you have any debt? Will we share responsibility for each other’s debts?

27.Are you a spender or a saver? How much do you have in savings?

28.Do you expect one of us to be the primary earner in this relationship?

29.What happens if one of us loses our job?

30.Are you willing to relocate for either of our jobs and if so, to where?

31.What will happen if one of us loses a job or is laid off? What would be your plan of action?

32.Which one of us will pay the bills? Or will we share that responsibility?

33.If we have differences in our finances, how will we resolve them?

Questions to ask before getting married about family—and kids

Everybody knows that “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes…“

Or do they? 

Any relationship advisor knows that once the marriage is on the table, the subject of children (or stepchildren) needs to be beside it.

Most couples understand the importance of discussing expectations and preferences about having kids, but the one frequently overlooked phenomenon is people change.

Consequently, discussing your preferences and assessing how your expectations may change over time is essential. This way, you can determine if, through any potential flexibility, you two can still be compatible.

34.What happens if one of you changes your mind? 

35.If, after one child, one of you wants to stop?

36.In case infertility becomes an issue? 

37.How hard will you continue to try? 

38.How do you both feel about adoption?

It’s crucial to dig deeper than the superficial and surface-level questions.

Here are some of the questions worth exploring together before marriage

39.Do you want kids? If yes, how many children would be ideal in our family? When do you want to start a family?

40.How would you handle it if we have difficulty conceiving?

41.How do you see kids fitting into—and changing–our life?

42.What style of discipline do you plan to take with your kids?

43.Do both the husband and wife share equal care for a baby? What about as a child grows older?

44.Do you have a belief in any religion? What role will spirituality play in your life together, if any?

45.Do you intend to raise your kids with a particular religion?

46.How close are you both with your parents? Your extended family?

47.How often will you want to see your in-laws and extended families?

48.What is your preferred way to spend the holidays?

49.How close and open with your parents will you and your partner be about your day-to-day lives?

50.What happens as your and/or your spouse’s parents age and need care?

Family differences and conflicts can show up sooner than you might think. 

One of the first settings where squabbles are likely to develop is during the wedding planning stage. Don’t brush it off. Instead, treat instances like these as an opportunity to learn and practice getting along.

Questions to ask before getting married about the future, goals, and dreams

The idea of marriage lasting forever may be statistically improbable, but it remains a fervent hope and a widespread aspiration. 

If you are one of those couples in it for the long haul, doing some crystal ball gazing together makes sense.

Find out if what you see five, ten, twenty, or fifty years into the future is even remotely what your partner sees

Better to find out sooner than later about his plans to live in a grass hut in Fiji in 25 years or her goal of being the first woman on Mars.

Maybe creating a joint vision board isn’t your thing, but there are a few questions that could help you look ahead together…

51.How do you envision your life in five years? Ten years?

52.Do you believe in regularly giving to a charity or volunteering your time?

53.What expectations and goals do you have for your career?

54.What is your dream job? What would you be willing to sacrifice to obtain it?

55. Where do you want to live?

Before Marriage Questions About Red Flags and Disclaimers

In the best of all possible worlds, you and your partner would be equally invested in ensuring that your similarities outnumber your differences when sharing a life. 

There are plenty of things you don’t have to tell each other, such as the number of partners you’ve had in the past or even issues or problems you have dealt with but have now overcome.

Instead, focus on the here and now. The past is in the past, right? All these questions before getting married are for the present and future.

Overall, you should feel comfortable talking honestly about most things with one another.

That said, there are a few questions most experts agree that your partner should almost always be willing to answer.

If they won’t answer these questions, it might be worth your while to press for reasons why…

56 .How did your last relationship end?

57.How do you define trust?

58.What scares you?

59.How do you want to handle money?

60.Do you still talk to your ex?

What you don’t know might help you

If you’re concerned there might be a downside to all the pre-marital Q&A, you may be right, at least according to some experts. 

Honest and mutual inquiry about the important areas of your life you’ll share is reasonable. 

However, too much of a good thing can produce diminishing returns, especially for women.

There is a list of 60 questions to ask before marriage. Of course, it would be almost impossible to meet your expectations for your partner to answer them all as you would. Nevertheless, you can pick and discuss the most important questions before your marriage.

Generally, women connect with others by sharing their feelings. They accomplish this by talking. This is also how they process information, too.

Conclusion

Ever wonder why the majority of psychotherapy patients are women?

Men, in contrast, usually feel differently about talking to communicate their feelings. Doing so could make them feel weak, vulnerable, scrutinized, judged, and anxious.

Our advice to women whose partners don’t exhibit a similar eagerness towards discussion is to share your lives as much (or more) as you talk about them with your partners.

Generally, for men, sharing information comes from a different place and has a different purpose than talking. This behavior can be summed up nicely as showing more than telling.

It may sound contradictory, but saying less can be more when knowing all the answers before leaping marriage, regardless of how well you think you know each other. Nevertheless, it does not hurt to ask all the important questions before getting married.

At the end of the (wedding) day, the process of trusting each other is underway, no matter how many important questions have been asked and answered.